Atelophobia
by c.mary.c
Summary: The fear of imperfection, of not being enough. Edward's unusual behavior sends Winry's mind into overdrive when he leaves for Tour of Duty with an intimidating and mysterious new partner. AU. EdxWin. *7th companion to Perfect Blood*
1. Chapter 1

Love bravely,

Love without borders or fear.

Follow your heart

no matter the cost.

No matter

the cost.

-T.K.G.

* * *

><p>I never saw it coming, and when it did, holy shit. I felt duped. Almost stupid really, for wasting so much time. I didn't believe in ignoring your gut. In fact, I was a firm believer in going whole-heartedly with what your gut was telling you, because who knows you better than you?<p>

I had grown increasingly depressed over the course of three months. So much in fact that I'd begun seeing a psychiatrist. Edward's psychiatrist, Dr. Marcoh, to be exact. It was at the pleading of Edward that I get help. He was guilty of being a constant worrier when it came to my safety, but what I couldn't make him understand at first was that initially my crying jags weren't about sadness. They were about anger and frustration. And they were triggered solely by him.

* * *

><p>An order had come down from above for the Fullmetal Alchemist to go to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed mission. Usually Edward would give me whatever not-so-sensitive information he could before leaving on assignment simply to calm my nerves as much as possible, but this was the first time that he couldn't tell me almost anything. And I figured that was fine, if the details were that sobering, then I didn't need to know them.<p>

Until I found out about his partner. Usually Ed would travel with members of Mustang's team, and if he had to work with a partner -which he preferred not to- it would usually be Havoc or Hughes, or on rare occasion Major Armstrong. But Ed spent a solid hour pushing back against the order of this new partner.

"No women." I heard him say over the phone one day. "It's not a sexist thing, women are extremely capable. Everyone knows Riza could kick my ass across Central any day. I'm saying that if I have to work in close, intimate proximity with a partner for three months, I'd prefer it be a guy."

There was that phrase again. 'Close, intimate proximity.' The only information I could squeeze out of Edward was that the mission was roughly 90 days, during which time he'd be joined at the hip with whomever he was working with. The military obviously worked to keep the lowest of profiles, so they weren't putting their soldiers up in 5 star hotels. It was usually more like squeezing into cramped spaces together while staking out the enemy, sharing meals if food became scarce, and sleeping in shifts. If they were lucky enough to be in situations that allowed for hotels, it wouldn't be one room per soldier. Low profile meant sharing a room and sharing one bed, to remain inconspicuous.

I wouldn't have cared about any of this if he was away with Riza, or Sheska, or even the beautiful and boy crazy Rebecca. When I sauntered through Central's ground floor a few days later on my way to the gym, I passed Mustang's office just as he was exiting with Ed and a woman I'd never seen before. She wasn't wearing the dress blues that most soldiers did, but somehow, I knew she was Ed's partner and my heart sank into my stomach as I dipped around the corner to spy on them. The three of them were picture perfect professionalism, and Ed and Roy both wore their usual stoic masks. Her mask was different. Cunning, sly, mysterious, dare I say… sultry?

I'd considered myself to be a lot of nice things, but sultry wasn't one of them.

Being that I had Perfect Blood, I had been blessed with a lot of fortunate physical characteristics, and yet somehow, this woman managed to out-do a lot of them. I was slender, but her tight pants and fitted tank top showed she worked out more. I had high cheek bones, hers were higher. I had full lips, hers were fuller. I was tall, she was taller. Her ass was smaller and her boobs were bigger and her smile -while not quite as warm as mine- was still dazzling. As she shook Ed's and Roy's hands and turned to leave I ducked back around the corner, relieved that I hadn't been seen. Suddenly I was fighting an internal battle between going to the gym and burning calories till I threw up, and passive aggressively saying 'fuck it', and going back upstairs to mope in front of Netflix with a sleeve of Oreos to comfort me. My inner debate was cut off quickly by the familiar, earthy scent of Edward as he stepped into my view.

"Why were you spying on us?" He asked with a quizzical brow. I mentally cursed him for knowing everything and breathed, trying to dissipate the burning redness in my cheeks.

"Is that her? Your partner?"

He paused for a moment, sizing me up before casually answering.

"Yup that's her. I'm hungry, want food?"

He was absolutely trying to ignore the pink elephant in the room.

"Ed, I'm really not comfortable with this." I said, twisting a buttery yellow lock around my finger nervously as I fixed my gaze on his strong chest in front of me. I felt a cold hand on my shoulder as he leaned in.

"I tried, babe. It's an order, theres nothing any of us can do. It'll be fine. I've gone away before, we'll handle same as we always do. Day by day."

"Before you weren't going away for months with Sergeant Pornstar." I muttered. He balked at me with raised eyebrows. Okay, so it wasn't one of my more ladylike moments, and I honestly did feel bad the moment I said it. I was all too familiar with how it felt to be hated for being pretty, so it wasn't fair for me to feel so threatened simply because her skin was porcelain and her hair was long, thick and black, and her lashes were dark and plush.

"Win, she's a soldier, and a decorated one at that. She's a major." Edward reasoned. None of that mattered in my mind. All I could think about was the gorgeous, vampy woman with the giant rack who'd be living with my boyfriend and probably sharing a bed with him for the next three months. The fact that this didn't seem to bother him in the slightest only surged my anger, and before I knew it, I was blinking back moisture as I moved past him toward the elevators.

"Are you freaking out?" He asked, lowering his voice so others wouldn't hear as we waited for the doors to open.

"No. Maybe. I don't know. I'm on my period." I lied. We stepped in and stepped out again a moment later into our apartment. Even though I hadn't worked out, I felt like I desperately needed a shower and I beelined for the master bath with Edward hot on my tail. As much as I loved him, I wanted to get away from him and just have a good, pissed off cry about the whole thing. As if having him away wasn't hard enough. As if knowing he was going into war zones to do one of the most dangerous jobs on the planet wasn't hard enough. Now he had to go with some buxom woman? Soldiers become so close on Tour of Duty. When they're away from home, all they have is each other for support. It wasn't unheard of for soldiers to fall in love while on duty. Just look at Roy and Riza.

I told myself to snap out of it.

_'Edward loves you!'_ I shouted at myself as I stripped of my gym clothes and pulled my hair loose from its ponytail. _'He's not going to just run off with some broad. You tamed the Fullmetal Alchemist; domesticated the wolf. No other woman had been able to do that before, and you did it haphazardly by just being yourself.'_

But what if he was tired of this domestic life? What if he missed the rush of his old life and that's why he wasn't upset about these orders? What if he was tired of constantly worrying about me? A woman who could hold her own in battle would probably be a big draw for someone like Edward. I stepped into the shower and let the hot water pour over me as his shadow manifested on the other side of the clouded glass.

"Win, talk to me." He said.

"There's nothing to talk about." I said, reverting back to my passive aggressive tendencies. "You've got orders. I get it. I just wish you could go with someone who knows me. Someone who's a friend of ours."

"Well, theres not much time, but maybe you two could have coffee or something and get to know each other before we leave."

I didn't want to get to know her. It was incredibly selfish and childish of me, but I didn't want to give the woman a chance to talk to me. I was afraid of seeing just how much of a 10 she was compared to me. She was a special ops soldier, so she was obviously educated, and well-traveled, and brave. She drew every eye in the room as she walked out of Central because, like Edward, she was walking sex. As far as I knew, I was the only committed relationship Ed ever had, but he'd had plenty of no-strings fun before we met. What was stopping him from having casual sex with her while they were away? None of our friends were going with them. My contact with him would be limited. They could have a whirl-wind affair and no one would ever know. Or worse, they could fall in love and leave forever after the mission. Edward's position as a State Alchemist didn't bind him to one base like normal soldiers, he could go where needed. He didn't have to stay in New York.

"I'm sure she doesn't have time for that, Ed. I'd rather just focus on getting the whole thing over with. It's all I can do."

"Something's with you." He said after a pause. "You have nothing to worry about Winry."

"I'm allowed to feel weird about you going on an extended assignment with Major Double D's." I remarked bitterly. The air turned stagnant.

"Um, that's the pot calling the kettle black." He said incredulously from the other side of the glass. "You're not exactly a small-chested woman." I shut the water off and wrapped myself in a towel before stepping out, unable to tell if I was puffy and red from the hot shower or my heated mood.

"You're taking her side?"

"I'm not taking anyone's side. I'm just making a surface-level observation." He said.

"So you noticed then?"

He rolled his eyes at me. "Of course I noticed. I'm a guy, Win. We notice women, it's in our nature. Don't read into it, it's on a completely animalistic, primal level. They've done studies, it's a scientific fact."

I wanted to bash his skull in. I loved Edward for how intelligent yet empathetic he was, but I also wanted to kill him when occasionally that intelligence got in the way of his intuitive nature and he snuffed out emotion with sensible reasoning. I'm a girl. I want to complain. Just tell me the situation sucks and you hate it, and that I'm the hottest piece of ass you've ever seen, and fuck me till I can't see straight. Is that too much to ask?

I stormed past him and made my way to the walk in closet to dress as he followed me.

"I don't really want to hear about you noticing another woman's physical blessings two days before you leave with her to God-knows-where." I said, suddenly feeling the need to pull my towel around me tighter, when any other day I would've just dropped it as I searched for underwear and let him enjoy the view.

"Is that what this is about? Jealousy?"

My head nearly spun around on my shoulders like the girl from The Exorcist, and I snapped.

"I am NOT JEALOUS! I am territorial!"

"Winry, there's nothing for you to be jealous of. You're being crazy." Oh, he was so lucky I didn't have my gun nearby.

"Crazy?! You think I'm being crazy because I don't like the idea of my boyfriend shacking up with some random woman for three months on the other side of the planet? I'm allowed to be upset about this Edward! It would be weird if I wasn't upset, and it's freaking me out how you seem totally fine with it!"

He gave an exasperated groan.

"Nobody's 'shacking up' together! We're on assignment! I have _orders_ Winry. I tried to ask for a different partner but there's nothing I can do! There's no point in making yourself miserable over something that can't be helped. Stop making me the bad guy here, I'm not the enemy." His eyes bore that classic intensity, that razor sharp awareness of his full attention and unwavering seriousness. It was one of his looks that turned me to mush, and I sighed because he was right.

"You're not the enemy, I'm sorry." I said, pulling my towel tighter around my chest in a trembling fist. "It's just that we've never been separated for so long. You're usually only gone for a few weeks tops."

I fixed my watering eyes on the closet's plush carpeting under my naked feet and suddenly felt warmer as his body moved close to mine.

"I'm just having trouble coming to grips with you being gone for so long." I said quietly as my voice broke. "I'm never myself when you aren't here, and I… and I-"

He cut me off with a deep kiss, heartfelt and heated. I was all rosy cheeks and hazy eyes when he pulled back a minute later.

"You need to stop worrying so much. Nothing's going on, nothing's going to happen. I'm going over there for work, and the second I'm finished I'm coming straight home. To you."

His words didn't do much to lift my spirits, but God bless him for trying. I thought back to 2 years prior, when we sat on the floor of my apartment the night after Archer assaulted me and I finally broke down, telling Edward all about my loneliness and heavy heart, about me constantly putting the needs of others above my own, and how I desperately needed to feel something besides the loneliness and misery I felt stuck in. That was the night everything changed between us when we argued, kissed, argued some more, fooled around in the living room and then the dam broke and we had sex knowing full well it was a terrible idea and would result in consequences.

Now I needed to feel something else again. The shower didn't really help. His kiss only helped for a moment. I could feel myself nearing a panic attack, the first I'd had in ages, and it's creeping misery only increased my worry as I buried my face in his shoulder and whimpered. I hated this. I hated once again being the girl Ed had to take care of. I felt his arms slide around me and pull me closer for him to murmur in my ear.

"Breathe. You're fine. We're fine."

I latched onto him and squeaked out, "I don't want you to go." I was desperately trying to tamp down my panic attack with anything that could distract me, but as I'd read in psychology books, it was the worst way to deal with them. The healthy way to deal with anxiety was to let it swallow you whole and live in it until it passes.

"It's okay." He said, knowing what I was doing. "Just give in, it's alright." He wrapped his arms around me firmly and cradled my head to his shoulder as I closed my eyes and sobbed harder than I had in years.

* * *

><p>"I want you to do me a favor while I'm gone." He said two days later as we stood on the tarmac together. I hadn't slept well for two nights, and spent my waking hours a stressed-out, miserable mess. "I want you to see Marcoh."<p>

"Your psychiatrist? What do you need me to ask him?"

"It's not for me, it's for you. I want YOU to see him. Weekly. More if needed."

"Ed, I'm okay, I don't think that's necessary-"

"I don't care about necessary. You're not doing well and I can't go off to a fucking war zone and be worried about you here. Just do it." He barked.

I shrank back from him. He hadn't spoken to me that way since before we were together. I wanted to fire back, but it was time for him to board the unmarked, white 747 and the last thing I wanted was for him to leave angry at me.

"O-Okay." I stammered nervously. My eyes fell away to her as she looked back at us over her shoulder while ascending the steps to the aircraft and grinned devilishly. I wanted to throw up. Edward handed off a few boxes of equipment to the Loadmaster for proper storing on board, and when finished he turned to me with a sigh and his gaze cast downward. He raked a hand through his hair in frustration. This was it.

"Fullmetal! Wheels up!" Someone called from the plane's doorway. I dashed away a couple tears and we just looked at each other, unable to say anything. He sighed, and shouldered his military issue canvas bag, before gently brushing his lips over mine.

"I'll call as soon as I can."

I nodded solemnly, unable to raise my eyes to meet his for fear I would start crying again.

"Ha-Have a safe trip." I choked. He pecked me again swiftly and squeezed my hand before turning and walking to the plane. It seemed with every step he took toward the plane was not only a step further from me physically, but emotionally. Symbolically. He'd been standoffish since my breakdown in the closet. Very careful with how he spoke around me, and we'd barely said two words to each other all morning. I'd chocked it up to us both being depressed and not having anything happy to say. And now he was leaving. Sadness swelled in me as he disappeared into the plane and I sniffed loudly as I turned to head back to the hanger and drive home. I concentrated on the rhythmic thumping of my boots on the ground as I told myself to buck up and deal while walking to my car.

"Winry!"

I stopped and whirled around at the sound of my name, and before I realized what was happening his fingers were in my hair and his mouth was on mine, devouring me hungrily. Oh thank God. Warmth and want uncurled in my belly as I clutched the front of his shirt pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. This was killing me. It was beautiful and satisfying and cutting me to the core. Slice by slice with every smooth pass of his sweet tongue over mine. I never knew you could be so happy while simultaneously dying inside. I could vaguely hear the sound of someone yelling Ed's name. It was that woman. That horrible, vampy seductress was calling out to Ed in the distance and we broke off slowly as his eyes roamed me, and raised a finger without taking his gaze off me, signaling for her to wait. Only Edward Elric could get a multimillion dollar military vessel to operate on HIS schedule. I wanted to cry all over again. He came back to kiss me again. I had been an idiot for days, I'd wasted so much time and he had the good sense not to squander our last moments together. A tear escaped and rolled down my cheek as he held my face in his hands, and I finally was able to raise my eyes to his.

"I love you." He said firmly, his serious golden eyes pouring into me. "I love _you_. There's no one else. There will never be anyone else."

I nodded numbly, but couldn't stop my eyes from sliding past him to the hourglass figure tapping her foot impatiently in the doorway at the top of the stairs. Ed coaxed my gaze back to his.

"Stop thinking about it. Just concentrate on getting through each day, and I'll be home before you know it." A warm thumb stroked across my cheek to wipe away a tear, and I crushed myself to him again to savor the feel of his strong, warm body against mine. I felt his fingers curl into my hair as he pulled me even closer to bury his face in my neck, and I could hear him softly murmuring in my ear my favorite line from my favorite book.

"I love and love and love you."

A final softness swept over my lips, and he was gone.

* * *

><p>AN: This came to me in the middle of the night, and I hope you all love it as much as I do. I must be an awful person, because I'm about to put Winry through the wringer again. But I'm a firm believer in being a bit of a sadist as a writer. Make terrible (believable, but terrible) things happen to your characters, because it's enticing to see how these obstacles are overcome, if they ever are. Not sure how long this will be, and I usually like to bang out a few chapters before posting, but I was too excited about this to not share it straight away. I'll be working on chapter 2 on the subway tomorrow morning. Thanks for the love.


	2. Chapter 2

I sit around and wonder  
>about the fire in your eyes,<br>the movement of your fingers,  
>the way you slowly complicate my life.<p>

-Unknown

* * *

><p>"Winry, why do you think Edward asked you to come here?"<p>

I sat on the plush sofa across from Dr. Marcoh, a man in his early sixties with dark hair and a calm demeanor, and twisted the hem of my sweater in my fingers nervously. He scribbled something on his notepad before looking up at me again.

"This is a safe place Winry. You can be open here. I'm here to help."

I took a breath and sighed.

"Dr. Marcoh, I don't really know why Ed asked me to come here. I know what he told me, but I'm not sure what he meant."

"What did he tell you?"

"Before he left on his mission, he said I wasn't well. He said he couldn't concentrate on what he needed to do if he was busy worrying about me."

Tim Marcoh's dark and beady eyes seemed to pick up a bit, and he wrote on his pad some more. I paused, but he motioned for me to continue as he scrawled.

"Just keep talking Winry. I find it helps new patients to just speak out loud a commentary about life, as if I'm not here. This usually isn't supposed to be conversational. You're here to talk, and I'm here to listen."

"Well, I'm just not sure I need to be here. I mean sure, I've been a little down lately, but that's just because I miss Edward."

"Before leaving he mentioned you've been experiencing panic attacks. Crying jags. Have you experienced these before?" He asked.

"Off and on. I had them as a kid and teenager due to stress, but they went away for several years until just before I met Edward. I'll admit that before I met him, I was very depressed but I didn't tell anyone."

"And how have you felt since Ed came into your life?"

What an interesting question. How could I possibly answer that simply? I couldn't.

"Edward's changed everything. I'm not lonely anymore, I feel like I have a purpose aside from the medical testing. He showed me that it was okay to demand a more fulfilling life for myself and that wouldn't make me selfish."

"So overall, would you say you've been happy with Edward?"

"Oh, yes. Very happy."

He paused to digest my words, and eyed me curiously with a slight tilt of his head.

"So why the crying?"

I wasn't prepared to talk to a stranger about what was happening in my mind. With one hand I clutched tightly to my suspicion and other sour feelings for Ed's new partner, and in the other hand sat the weight of Edward's somewhat callous reasoning. Was I being crazy? Was it just jealousy? Were my worries valid or was I overreacting? Of course I believed that he still loved me, and of course I trusted him, but I didn't trust her. Women hold so much power to tempt men it's borderline absurd. When I first met Edward he was a brash, wild animal fresh off a plane from Moscow and still working cocaine out of his system. He wanted nothing to do with me and he was an overly cavalier, cocky man who was staggeringly afraid of opening up to people. I had no intention of vying for his affections, I had no reason to pursue anything more than a platonic friendship with him, and yet as the weeks turned into months we found ourselves magnetically drawn to each other and I really hadn't put much of an effort towards getting his attention. I'd only had to coax him to give in.

Who's to say that couldn't happen to him again with someone new? Now that he was a calmer, more open person, who's to say that after spending the same amount of time living with this woman as he did living with me, that he couldn't have feelings for her? Just looking at her, I'm sure as a man he was already tempted by her voluptuous curves and dark eyes. She clearly could relate to him better because she understood the daily hardships of being a soldier, and when times get tough, they'd be the only source of comfort for each other. The thought nauseated me.

"Winry? Are you alright? You're looking a bit virid"

I snapped out of my sickening thoughts and reached for my bottle of water on the coffee table between us.

"I'm alright," I said after a swig. "I'm happy with Edward but I've been stressed out about the state of our relationship. When things are good, they're amazing, and when they're not so good, it feels like he could call it quits."

"Why would he break up with you?"

"His job. The baggage that comes with it. The danger. He constantly worries about my safety. It's gotten better since I've been learning Krav Maga and Hawkeye's been teaching me to shoot, but I feel like he's never shaken his feelings of obligation he had as my bodyguard."

"He never will Winry. He talks about you incessantly during his sessions with me. Before you came along I would work for weeks to pry the cracks open and get him to talk to me about anything, but after you came along, he became a chatterbox. In the 6 months Edward spent as your bodyguard you made the kind of progress with him that took me over a year. You're a lifeline to him; he'll never stop being your protecter. It may not make sense to you right now, but I'm thrilled to hear that he pushed you to see me. You said he wouldn't be able to concentrate overseas if he was busy worrying about you, thats actually a sign of major improvement on his part. Before you there wasn't much he cared about. He would take unnecessary risks and eliminate his targets quickly because he didn't have much value in his own life. But you've given him something to live for, and now he follows protocol for the most part. His missions take as long as their supposed to because for the first time, he's being careful. He wants to come home to you. I'm not sure what part of that makes you think he'd leave you."

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor.

"He's never told me any of that. I didn't know that was the reason his missions were getting longer. He's been so secretive lately. Usually he'd give me some information about what he's going away for, but lately he's been so tight-lipped, and he's been kind of brash about it."

"Brash how?" He questioned.

"Everytime I asked him about this mission he'd say, "Don't worry about it" and change the subject."

More scribbling.

"What else?"

"Before he left we had a fight about his new partner." I said, attempting to mask my disdain. Marcoh raised a brow at me.

"I'd be willing to bet he had very little say in that matter."

"I know, but it wasn't just who it is that upset me, but how he acted. He seemed perfectly fine with it. It didn't seem to bother him very much that he was about to leave with another woman."

Marcoh stopped scrawling on his notepad and looked up in realization. "Ah, the new Major. The one from California. Edward said she was here to assist him, he never mentioned she'd be on TDY with him."

"That's what I'm talking about!" I exclaimed, nearly jumping out of my seat. "Don't you think he would've mentioned that if he wasn't hiding something?!"

"He told you didn't he?"

"Only as the result of my constant nagging. He was trying to hide it from me for weeks before I pried it out of him, and when I finally saw her in person…I kinda freaked out a little." I resumed my nervous hair twirling and sweater twisting as Marcoh checked his watch and scribbled some more before looking back at me.

"I'd like to try something, Winry. I'm going to throw some rapid-fire questions at you, writing my notes while you answer them, and I'd like you to shout out whatever comes to your head first. Don't think, just speak. There are no wrong answers, but the quicker the better. Understand?" I nodded and he gave me a soft smile of reassurance.

"Ok then," He started. "Why are you here?"

"Because Edward asked me to come."

"And why did he ask you to come?"

"Because he thinks I'm not well."

"Why does he think you're not well?"

"Because I haven't been myself lately."

"And that's because…"

"Because I'm worried Ed will have sex with his new partner-"

I gasped out loud and clammed up. I definitely didn't mean to say that out loud, but clearly the good Doctor wanted me to.

"Can we keep going?" He said. "I just have one more question."

I nodded and took a deep breath as he continued.

"Winry, why do you think Edward would betray you?" He asked with genuine concern in his eyes. I paused, feeling the weight of my answer on my tongue. I didn't have to consider my response, I felt it in my gut. I took a breath and raised my eyes back to Marcoh.

"Because I'm not good enough for him."

* * *

><p>I went to the Public Library afterward to volunteer for a few hours like I usually did, hoping it would take my mind off of Edward, but only stayed an hour before feeling miserable again and hailing a cab home. I entered Central from an entrance in the rear of the building to avoid running into anyone and punched in the code to the stairwell. 7 flights later I was shoving open the stairwell door and entering our apartment, but looking around in the darkness, it just didn't feel the same. It hadn't felt the same in weeks. It was normal for me to not feel right when Ed wasn't home; I became a bigger introvert and never slept well. But this had been so different. Our home didn't even look like a home anymore. It didn't read as a place where a couple lived happily, it read as a staged apartment; lacking lived-in clutter and personal items. The housekeeper had been here while I was out.<p>

Usually when Ed and I were both home we weren't messy, but even if the housekeeper had come you would still find evidence of our life here laying around in small bits, like a stack of my books on the coffee table or one of Ed's dismantled guns laying out in pieces on the kitchen island for a good cleaning. She cleaned the apartment, but she didn't pick up after us. Looking around at the pristine space only reminded me that lives were not being lived here. I wandered through the dark to our bedroom and opened my nightstand drawer to fish around for my favorite picture of us, the one we didn't show to anyone. We were in bed, breathless and giddy and tangled in each other with messy hair and starry eyes, and as I raised the camera above us to take the picture he closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to my temple as I laughed. And that was us. Everything was so right, we were so happy. And my stomach bottomed out at the thought that if my suspicions were right, we may never be that happy ever again.

"Hello? Winry?"

I jumped and shoved the loose 4x6 back in the drawer before scurrying out to the living room to find Riza there, switching on the recessed lights in the open kitchen. I didn't even hear her come in.

"Where've you been? I haven't seen or heard from you all week. Are you okay?" She asked.

I nodded stiffly with my arms folded, I was suddenly very cold, and tried to appear casual. But as much as Edward seemed to have a pulse on everything around him, NOTHING got past Riza.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothings wrong, I just… I just miss Ed, that's all." My voice cracked. "Why hasn't he called?"

Riza's normally stoic face softened instantly. "He's alright, he made contact with Roy just this morning. He can't call outside of military lines or radio frequencies. He wasn't permitted a civilian laptop so he has no way of contacting you. It's dangerous where he is, he needs to keep his focus at all times."

"But couldn't I speak with him when he contacts you guys?"

She shook her head sadly.

"It's not a phone conversation. He calls, it goes directly to the database's hard drive and he leaves information. That's all, I swear."

"So, it's like a voicemail?" I asked.

"Exactly."

So really, he hadn't spoken to any of us. I had clung to the smallest thread of comfort that if he was communicating with Roy and Riza, that he must've at least asked about me. But that wasn't happening.

"What kind of information does he leave?" I asked as I moved to the stove to brew us some tea. Riza slid onto a barstool at the island as I put the kettle on and said,

"Its always the same. Government title, Date, Time, Longitude and Latitude to pinpoint his exact location, then whatever message he needs us to get. Nothing extra. No, 'hi, how-ya-doin'."

My heart sank again. It was a relief to know that contacting me was out of his hands and thats why I hadn't heard from him, but it also stirred my fear that so much separation from everyone else in his life could lead him to do something drastic when things got rough during the mission. How lonely was he? How exhausted was he? Was he hurt? These were all things that would have him looking to his partner for comfort, and I knew it in my gut that she wanted to sleep with him. Every woman who ever came across Ed would spend the first few seconds with glazed over eyes, looking like they wanted to suck his-

"-Winry, the kettle."

I jumped when I realized the loud ringing in my ears was actually the whistling tea kettle on the stove about to blow its top. I jerked around and went to move the kettle, but lost my grip on it and tried to catch the pot with unfortunate consequences.

"FUCK!" I screamed as the kettle crashed to the countertop sending boiling water everywhere. I cradled my seared hand as Riza jumped up.

"Put it under the tap!" She exclaimed as she grabbed my wrist and pushed my hand under the cold running faucet. We fell silent for a moment and I couldn't tell if the tears were welling because I was in so much pain, or I was so pissed off.

"Goddammit…" I whispered, before raking my freehand through my hair as the first tear fell. "God DAMN IT!"

"It's okay Winry-"

"No it isn't! Something's wrong Riza!" I said, no longer trying to hide my hysterics. "Something's wrong with me, something's wrong with Ed, and that woman?! Don't get me started on her, there's _definitely_ something going on with that partner of his!"

Riza took a nervous step back from me.

"His partner? You mean Major Lust?"

I swear I short circuited.

"IS THAT A JOKE?! That's her name? That's her fucking name?!"

"Winry calm down now!" She yelled at me. I'd completely forgotten about my burned hand and was pacing wildly back and forth like a crazed lunatic.

"Don't tell me to calm down Riza! _She's trying to fuck him!_"

Riza looked like I'd just slapped her in the face. She paused, then slowly moved to turn off the running faucet and grab and ice pack from the freezer. I stood immobilized by my own anger, and felt the ice pack press into my scalding right hand. Riza's eyes finally met mine and I felt my expression crumble. I was a mess. I was completely out of control. If there was ever a time when I needed Ed, this was a perfect example.

"Oh god what's wrong with me? I'm so sorry Riza…" Hawkeye hugged me close and smoothed a hand over my hair supportively.

"Everything's going to be okay." She said.

* * *

><p>An hour later my palm was wrapped in white bandages and I was sitting next to Riza in a bar on Bleeker St with a Macallan 15 in my free hand. I told her everything. About Ed being tight-lipped about his partner and the mission, about the fighting, about my insecurities. I told her about my visit with Marcoh and what he and I talked about. I told her about how I wasn't sleeping, and wasn't hungry, and how being at the library only made me sad and miss Edward more. She was such a patient and understanding friend, and so kind to sit there and nurse her gin and tonic and nod empathetically as I waxed poetic about my love for Edward and my fear of losing him to the devil in a D cup bra. When I finally finished and cried myself out, she motioned to the bartender for another scotch for me and leaned in close.<p>

"You have every right to feel how you feel. You have every right not to trust that woman. If it were Roy she was over there with, I'd feel the same way."

"Really?" I said earnestly as I wiped my nose on a bar napkin.

"She's there as bait Winry. Ed needs to be over there for awhile to gather intel, and she needs to be with him so they can hatch a plan. When the time is right, she'll be there to serve as a distraction for the enemy so Ed can do his job. We never would have requested her from the L.A. squadron for any other reason, and as soon as she gets back, she's going straight to California after debriefing."

I sipped my scotch and let the earthy smoothness burn a warm hole in my chest as she continued.

"Ed was ordered not to tell you about the mission, so I'm going out on a limb telling you all this. Keep it to yourself. I get that you miss Ed. There were times just like this when I was separated from Roy and it killed me, but it's not forever. He's coming home to you. You have to keep reminding yourself of that. Say it every morning, every afternoon, every evening, every 5 minutes if you have to."

"I just have this horrible feeling that she's gonna come onto him."

"Of course she's going to! That doesn't matter. What matters is how Ed handles it, and you have nothing to worry about." I stared back at her unsure of how to respond.

"I've known Ed since he was a kid," She elaborated with a sip of her gin. "I've seen every crazy stage of that guy. It was like watching over a smart-mouthed, annoying, pain-in-the-ass younger brother." This earned a small smile and laugh from me. "Ed doesn't suffer fools, Winry. He knows bullshit when he sees it, and he's not gonna slip under Lust's claws. He's too busy being crazy, stupid, out-of-his-mind in love with you. You two can iron out whatever issues you have when he gets home, but you can't do anything about it right now, so stop making yourself crazy and don't worry about it."

Beautiful, caring and wise Riza was proving herself right yet again. I scooted closer and hugged her fiercely.

"Riza what would I do without you?" She pulled back and smiled at me before raising her glass to me and saying,

"Well you'd be getting drunk alone for one thing, and that can't ever happen. Girls gotta stick together."

We clinked glasses and downed the rest before ordering two more.

* * *

><p>AN: Things are about to get dicey.


	3. Chapter 3

Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul.  
>-Unknown<p>

* * *

><p>Afghanistan was a nightmare. I'd been to Baghdad 4 times now, and I could swear it got exponentially worse with each visit. As if being in the middle of a war zone wasn't bad enough, I was stuck in the godforsaken place for 90 days with only one comrade; a woman I barely knew. Every other time I'd been here I was with Mustang and crew, and while being here was never fun, it was a hell of a lot easier with trusted allies who knew what steps you'd be taking before you took them. Major Lust was a stranger. We'd only had a few meetings together, only a few conversations about the mission; I didn't have a chance to really get to know her. I should've put forth more of an effort to get comfortable with her, because frankly, she made me the polar opposite of comfortable and that wasn't ideal. The ways in which she made me uncomfortable were numerous and ever evolving.<p>

It started back in New York, before she even arrived. A month before we flew out was the first time I'd spoken to her over the phone, and I found her velvety voice soothing. The fact that her voice was relaxing to me was the first red flag. Meeting her face to face sent up the second flag because I knew Winry would become intimidated by her. I couldn't lie to myself or attempt to ignore it, because I was a living, breathing, red-blooded, heterosexual man. Lust was hot. Extremely hot. I felt like an asshole for even thinking it, but it was so obvious, and it's not like any other person who saw her thought differently. It would be like anyone trying to deny that Winry was beautiful.

Winry. Jesus that girl made my heart bleed in the best of ways. I'd always been a deep thinker, and until I met Winry I usually kept my deep thoughts to myself, but she had a way of bringing emotion out of people. Maybe it's because she unknowingly charms every person she meets with her sweet nature and stunning appearance. My attraction to Lust scared me, because it was unexpected and she was so different from Winry. Garfiel had explained it to me in a way I could maybe understand, seeing as how he was gay and a drag queen he bridged the gap between being an observational, rational man and sensitive, emotional woman. Apparently Lust was the kind of beauty you'd find in men's magazines or upscale burlesque shows, whereas Winry was closer to what you'd find on runways or red carpets. They were different animals, but both great to look at, and Garfiel insisted that I not read into it so much because, "You've got eyes like the rest of us. It's not your fault she looks that way." As easy as it was for me to fall head-over-heels in love with Winry, I had found it just as easy for me to be turned on by Lust. And that was flag number three.

It was one thing to acknowledge someone's physical appeal on an observational level, but if the observation gripped it's claws onto any emotion that's how things could quickly change. I had noticed how attractive Lust was, but the fact that she made my dick twitch was bad. So very bad. I decided I needed to keep her a secret from Winry, because the last thing I wanted was for Winry to get the wrong idea. I felt guilty, getting so turned on by her, because I loved Winry. I seriously loved Winry with my whole heart, and Winry was beyond sexy because she had no idea just how sexy she was. She didn't walk around trying to be beautiful, she went about her life in slouchy sweaters and blue jeans and I loved that about her. I loved that she was so comfortable with herself, and I didn't want to destroy that by having her see Lust. So I tried to keep Winry in the dark.

It didn't go well. Winry is smart and considerate, pondering on every possible outcome and seeing things from every vantage point. Her attention to detail was spot on, but that also made her a stage 5 over-thinker. If over-thinking is the art of creating problems that don't exist, then Winry Rockbell is the Picasso of over-thinking. When she freaked out about me going away for 3 months with Lust, I hushed and held her to calm her fraying nerves so she would know there was nothing to worry about. What I was very careful NOT to mention, was that I was just as nervous about being away with Lust for so long. It would do no good for me to get Winry even more riled up over something neither of us could fix, so I decided to talk to Marcoh about my issues with Lust and for the rest of the time just suffer in silence. I had strange feelings in my gut about two things: Did I want to fuck Lust? A little bit. Was I nervous for the stability of my relationship with Winry? Possibly. But there were three things of which I was absolutely, one hundred percent sure of: Did I come to Bhagdad to do my job and my job only? Yes. Did I love Winry more than anything? Yes. Was I going to give in and have my way with Major Lust? No.

* * *

><p>The bunker we were holed up in was small. Tiny really. As I'd predicted it was one open room with a cramped bathroom adjacent and room for one twin mattress. I sighed in defeat when I looked at it; i had hoped the whole way here that I'd be wrong and by some miracle there would be two single beds. Our bunker was nestled in the center of a small fleet of matching structures, all housed by soldiers from other squadrons in other states and other countries. We weren't familiar with any of them, who they were or what their exact missions were, but for the time being they were our neighbors and comrades because we were all fighting the war on terror. I was specifically sent to eliminate one target, a leader of Al Qaeda only known by one name: Sloth. For being a household name in terrorist circles around the globe, not much was known about this guy. No one could trace back any information on him because every confirmed accomplice of his wound up dead. So many rumors flew around about him it was impossible to weed out what was true. Usually my missions were fairly quick; get briefed, fly out, form a plan, eliminate target, get the hell outta dodge. Now I actually had to track this motherfucker down and gather intel about him so I could figure out the best way to take him out. But I had to maintain just as low a profile as he did, because If it got out that I was in town it would be a danger not only to the mission but to the entire base camp in Baghdad.<p>

We knew three things about Sloth: First, that mass genocide was the party he always threw and his party game of choice was torture. Anyone trying to fight back was captured and killed in the slowest, laziest ways possible. Shit like tying people to ropes and dragging them from the backs of vehicles for miles. He was a sadistic fuck who practically got off on seeing innocent people suffer. The second thing we knew was while he never made public appearances, he wasn't afraid to flash around his wealth. For someone with so many enemies, he wasn't shy about broadcasting where he was. Most likely because so many were afraid to even get near him. And the third thing we knew beyond any shadow of doubt, was that he loved women. He was a definite sex addict, and often held grand scale gatherings with his 'collegues' for the purpose of buying women who'd been forced into the slave trade. But he never kept any of them around for long, and their bodies would turn up mere weeks after they'd been sold to him. We'd been tracking him for years, desperately trying to get the intel we needed to find the bastard, but anyone who knew him didn't stay alive long enough to tell the tale and it's very hard to find someone when nobody knows what they look like.

Until one of his prostitutes escaped. She had made it all the way to the city's open marketplace before she was gunned down by one of Sloth's enforcers. But she had managed to get a cell phone picture -an actual fucking _photograph_ of him- into the hands of a vendor in the market, who was smart enough to give the phone to an American soldier he saw later that day. A few phone calls was all it took to sink my ass back into this fucked up sandbox, only now I knew what this dickhead looked like, and I just couldn't wait to see the look on his face when I show up to ruin the fun.

* * *

><p>AN: Thanks for hanging in there with me, and thank you all for your kind reviews. More soon.


	4. Chapter 4

If I told you I loved you,  
>Would you listen to me.<br>Or would my words disappear,  
>Like a sailor drowning at sea.<br>-d.a.

* * *

><p>"Alphonse, have you heard from Ed since he left for his, um, work trip?" I asked nervously as I ran my finger around the rim of my wine glass. I asked him and Mei to dinner because I was lonely, and secretly wanted to press Al for information about Ed's strange behavior. Ed was coming home in a month, and I still hadn't heard from him. Yet Lust had been making regular contact with members of Central because I had overheard a guy in the gym telling his buddy about all the 'amazing phone sex' he was having with Lust. They had access to public phones. Edward could call me. He hadn't called in 2 months.<p>

"Yea, he's called a few times." Al said. My finger stopped its journey around the glass rim and I looked up.

"He what?" Al and Mei sent each other a quick glance before focusing back on me.

"I …said he called." Al said eyeing me suspiciously. I went slack-jawed and sat back in my chair, shocked. I didn't expect them to actually say yes. They still didn't even know what Ed's actual job was. Al forked a gnocchi and raised it in the air in realization.

"Mm! Yea he actually just called the other day! Said Baghdads hotter than hell." My fork clattered to my plate.

"Baghdad? Like, IRAQ?" He and Mei both stopped and stared at me, and Mei finally leaned in.

"Winry, you knew all of this, didn't you?"

I slumped over in my chair and shook my head. "No… He hasn't called." I said quietly. They furrowed a collective brow. "I haven't heard from him once. Not once."

"Wait, that doesn't make sense," Mei said. "He said you were fine. I asked if I could have the apartment code to come see you while he was gone and he said you were so busy at the library you were never around."

I was speechless. He lied. He lied about everything. Not only was he calling everyone BUT me, Ed was even lying to his own brother about not speaking to me. I slid my chair back and quickly started to pull on my jacket and grab my bag when I felt the tears of rage welling. I pulled a 50 out of my wallet and dropped it on the table as I brushed a tear away.

"Sorry guys I just remembered I have a …a thing I forgot to do." I mumbled. Al and Mei's faces were exactly what I didn't want to see. Pity.

"Win, were are you going?" He said as he stood quickly. I fumbled for my metro card and grabbed my phone as I swung away from the table, nearly tripping over my own feet to get away.

"Sorry guys, I gotta go." I heard both their chairs scrape back as they followed me out of the restaurant and onto the street.

"Winry wait!" Mae called, finally catching up to me as I stood at the curb side and cursed the lack of cabs. I didn't want to walk to the subway because I knew they'd follow me, and I was dying to make a quick getaway.

"Should've called Uber…" I muttered bleakly as she ran up and put a hand on my arm.

"Winry what's wrong?!" She asked. I whipped around, furious.

"What's wrong? Ed called you!" I yelled at the poor girl as her husband came jogging up to us. "He called Roy, he called Riza, he called Al, he called You! Guess how many times he's called me. Go ahead, guess. GUESS DAMMIT!"

They both shrank back in alarm.

"Zero times." I said. I started laughing. Giggly, giddy laughter bubbled from as I felt myself becoming hysterical. "Not once! And he was all quiet and secretive about the mission before he left, said he couldn't tell anywhere where he was going." I laughed more. "But you guys know! You guys don't even know what his real job is and you know!"

"Honey, let's go back inside, it's cold out." Mei said. I knocked her hand away and laughed harder still, earning some strange looks from passersby.

"He's been talking to everyone except me! Edward's been totally avoiding me!" My riotous laughter quickly dissolved into bitterness and I shook my head in defeat. "…He's cheating on me… I know he is…"

* * *

><p>We were back in my apartment, not the one I shared with Edward, but MY old apartment on Christopher Street. Edward insisted we keep it incase I ever needed to hide from an enemy or "if I ever got sick of him", and it never made much sense to me until now. It was so bare inside, I had sold most of my furniture when I moved in with Ed, and kept my mattress on the floor in my old bedroom. The apartment seemed massive being so empty, but walking through it for the first time in years was filling me with memories. Memories of my lonely life, memories of the fear I felt when l was being stalked, the long talks Edward and I had when we were first getting to know each other. The night he kissed me in the shower and the anger I felt when he was gone the next day. I remembered how happy I was those first few weeks after everything settled, and how he surprised me out of the blue one morning when he called me and asked me to move in with him because he "needed to wake up next to me everyday". We were so far from those happy times. We were so far from each other physically, emotionally, …I tried so hard to remind myself of how many times he'd told me loved me, but actions speak louder than words and its so easy to lie.<p>

"Ed's coming home in a few weeks, and I haven't heard his voice once since he left." I said, turning to Al and Mei. "Riza swore to me that he was unable to call out, but that was a lie. Everyone's been lying to me! They're covering up for him!"

"Is it possible they're just trying to protect you?" Al said.

"He's talking to you! And if that were true then why wouldn't anyone just say so?! Why the lying?!"

"We don't know anything, we swear." Mei said as she put an arm around me. It only pulsed my anger and I fired back.

"Ed swore up and down he couldn't tell me where he was going, yet he was calling Al to chat him up about the fucking weather in goddamn Afghanistan?! He's hiding something from me! He's sleeping with his partner, I know it!"

"He would never!" Al shouted, utterly appaled.

"He tried to hide her from me!" I couldn't stop a fat tear from rolling down my cheek. "He lied about her and he lied about the mission, and he lied about not being able to call. He has everyone lying to me, I can't trust anyone…"

"Winry please believe us." Mae implored, "We didn't know he hadn't spoken to you, we have no idea whats going on, we-"

Al's phone started ringing from his pocket. He glanced at it, and tried to tuck it back in his jacket quickly.

"Answer it Al." I said.

"It's just a patient, I'll call them back."

"It's one in the morning, answer your phone."

"No really, it's just a patient."

"Its Ed isn't it?! Answer it now and put me on speaker. ANSWER IT!" He whipped his phone out and suddenly, Edward's voice was filling the room.

*Hey Al.*

My heart bloomed. I was hearing his voice. It sent warm tingling to my fingertips and right down to my toes and I beamed with joy.

"Hey Ed, how are you?" Al said, looking at me nervously and dancing around a bit, unsure of what to do with himself. He decided to pace slowly.

*I'm holding up. Just counting down the days until I'm outta this hell hole. How're you guys?*

Al, Mae and I all looked around at each other in the darkness of the empty apartment and Al answered awkwardly.

"Uh fine, we're fine. Say um, you haven't really mentioned Winry in awhile," He said while connecting eyes with me and attempting to sound casual. "How is she?"

*Well, that's kind of why I'm calling. I wanna let you know that we're not together anymore.*

The room fell silent, and we looked back and forth at each other in stupor.

"Wait, Ed that doesn't make sense, we're talking about Winry I mean she's right… erm- I don't understand."

*We broke up Al. A while ago. So, if anyone asks, we're not together.*

He sounded so cold. He sounded nothing like the Edward I loved and everything like the unfeeling killer he was made to be. I felt the blood draining from my face and the room began to spin.

"Is this why you said she wouldn't be around if we came to visit?"

*Yes. Don't go to Central because she won't be there. Just do me a favor and don't see her at all, okay? She's not a part of my life anymore and I don't want anyone thinking she ever was.*

Mae crossed the room to try and snatch the phone from Alphonse, shaking her head as if to say 'stop, that's enough' as Al side stepped her and adopted the only look of irritation I'd ever seen him have.

"Ed what happened?! I don't get it, I mean I thought you were gonna…" He looked back at me with a mixture of pity, confusion and anxiety and sighed. "…Ed I think you need to call Winry."

*I thought you were smart, Alphonse. You really need me to spell this out for you? We're not together. If anyone asks, we never WERE together. We're finished, it's over, it's done and there's nothing to talk about. I DON'T LOVE HER.*

My heart was stuck in my throat and humiliation crept over me as Al quickly hung up the phone and he and Mei stared at me in shock. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, and dammit I had just about all the pitying looks I could stand for one evening.

I turned and ran.

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you for reading and reviewing. Stay with me.


	5. Chapter 5

Her heart is played

like well worn strings;

in her eyes

the sadness sings;

of one who was destined,

for better things.

-Lang Leav

* * *

><p>Tim Marcoh sat across from me in his usual chair with his usual pleasant demeanor, scribbling his usual notes as I told him of Edward's lies and what he'd said to Alphonse a few nights earlier. For days I had wrestled with the decision to pack my things and go, or stay and wait for Edward -if he even bothered to come home. I wanted to talk to someone who could be impartial, and since Marcoh's only relationship with Edward was a DoctorPatient one, I figured he was a good place to start.

"So, what are your immediate thoughts Winry? We've established that going with your gut seems to work best for you, what was your gut reaction when this all happened?" He asked.

"I was pissed, honestly. How could I not be? I wanna clobber the guy."

"How has this affected your feelings for Edward?"

That was a hard question for me to answer. I wanted to strangle Edward. I was so angry at him, but at the same time I didn't know what was going on so it was hard for me to say 'fuck it' and leave. I still loved him, and I knew I shouldn't after hearing what he said, but something just wasn't right.

"Well, I don't love him less. I'm just… sadder now. And I hate that. I never used to be sad with Edward. If someone had told me I'd be sad because of him I would have yelled and said they were wrong." I explained. He nodded in understanding and drummed his fingertips on his chin in thought.

"What's your plan of action? Do you have one? He comes home in two weeks."

I sighed sadly and twirled a lock of hair around my fingers as I thought. It killed me knowing there was a very real likelihood that what he said was true and that our relationship was over. After all, why would he tell his brother such a thing if it weren't true? Why go through the trouble of telling him and Mei to stay away from me if he wasn't trying to separate himself? It made so much sense now; how quiet he was before he left, his keeping Lust a secret for so long, him not calling me once since he left. Edward wasn't acting like someone happily in love, he was behaving like a single guy not looking for any long-term commitments and I was left feeling like the clingy girl who wasn't picking up what he was putting down.

"I haven't decided. I don't know if I should stay to confront him or if I should just go. I haven't spoken to any mutual friends about it because even though he's the one being an ass, I don't wanna put him on blast to his friends. I'm not that kind of girl."

Dr. Marcoh eyed me curiously and said, "I know I'm just on the outside of all this, and I'm not supposed to give opinions, but would you be offended if I broke the rule just this once?" I shook my head and let him continue. "I think you should talk to some mutual friends -ones you can trust to keep it all under wraps for now- and see what they believe could be going through his mind. It seems to me that Edward is not acting like his usual self, would you agree?"

"Of course."

"Right, and it's leading me to think something else may be going on. Perhaps theres a bigger picture that we aren't seeing because we're here and he's over there. Perception is reality, but it doesn't make it absolute truth. Your feelings aren't invalid by any stretch because your feelings are the direct result of his actions, but I'm curious to see if there's a hidden reason for his behavior. We all know Ed to be the kind of person to keep things close to the chest, I have a feeling things are not as black and white as they seem. If you can stomach it, talk so some mutual friends and consider giving it time. If you can't, and my suspicions are correct, everything should work itself out in the end. If you leave and I'm right, he'll come find you."

"And if he doesn't?" I asked. He paused for a moment and then shrugged.

"Well, if he doesn't… then I suppose we have our answer. Of course I genuinely hope that's not the case."

The beeping of the alarm on his phone signaled us of the end of our session, and as Marcoh showed me to the door I paused to look back at him.

"I just have this awful feeling that I'm not what Edward needs. What if this time away has shown him all the stress I bring to his life? He's not dumb, he know's he'd be better off with someone from his world, who could relate to him and wouldn't need his constant protection."

Marcoh considered my theory, and then he smiled down at me.

"I'm not supposed to tell you this, but in all the years I've been treated Edward, I've never heard him give a more glowing review of anyone than the one he gives you. He talks about you like you make the sun shine everyday. I see him every week and he never misses an opportunity to tell me how much he admires you, how brave you are. He wouldn't speak that way about someone he doesn't care for."

"Brave? Hardly. Most of the time I feel like the damsel in distress. He must be so sick of it, I'm not sure I'd blame him for being tired of me." I said with a sad shake of my head. Dr. Marcoh's hand on my shoulder stopped me on my way out the door.

"When he first came to me, he was a monster." I halted in shock at hearing the kind man suddenly speak so bluntly of his patient. It was inappropriate, but I didn't care and I let him continue. "He was like the devil himself, trapped in the body of a suffering pre-teen. He was a remorseless killer because of what Bradley's team had done to his body and his mind, and as he grew, his progression into normalcy was slow because his work as a State Alchemist was the only way to productively burn off energy: his engineered and scientifically-given instinct to kill. He was depressed and self-destructive, and retained much of that all through his twenties. It wasn't until you came that he made real strides. In years before we had only seen glimpses of the man we knew he could be. But when you came into his life, and loved him anyway, that was when he really changed."

I looked back at Marcoh, utterly dumbfounded, and with a final word he said, "You are exactly what Edward needs. You saved his life, Winry. He lives in complete awe of you for being able to see through his darkness and still love him as though he were a normal man. I just don't see how after all that, he would ever think of abandoning you."

* * *

><p>That night I sat with legs folded on the floor of my and Edward's apartment with a glass of wine in my hand and seven white cards in the other. I was one fourth of a circle made up by Riza, Rebecca and Garfiel. I desperately needed a girls and gays night, and we were on the second bottle of wine and deep embroiled in a hilarious round of Cards Against Humanity. Garfiel put down a black card for the circle and read aloud.<p>

"How did I lose my virginity?" He considered the cards he held before snorting out a laugh and laying a white card down. "Tom Cruise! Gawd, I wish. Lost it to frickin' Bobby Vaughn in High School; half a joint and three thrusts was all it took." We all laughed as Riza laid down 'Bees?' followed by Rebecca with 'Unfathomable Stupidity', and they all turned their attention to me. I could barely contain my laughter when I laid down my white card and announced,

"How did I lose my virginity? The Make-A-Wish Foundation!" It was a horrible, wonderful game.

I'd asked my friends to come up not with the intention of talking about Ed at first, but because I genuinely wanted to take Marcoh's advice and at least wait till Ed came home and talk to him. I was still shaken by the coldness of Edward's voice on the phone, so adamant about his lack of love for me, but my inner optimist appealed to Marcoh's theory that something else could be going on. Before I knew it, I'd finished more wine than I'd meant to and the room's conversation had gotten away from the game and had turned into a discussion about Edward's strange behavior.

"…And so Marcoh suggested I talk to some mutual friends. Any thoughts?"

"I don't trust that Lust woman." Garfiel piped up as he flipped open his compact mirror to fluff his hair and check his lipstick. "Trouble with a capital 'T' baby, but I wouldn't be worried about Ed. There's gotta be a good reason for him to say some foolishness like he don't love you. That man is stupid crazy in love with you, girl."

Garfiel was one of Ed's brilliant automail engineers, and had been working with him for ten years. He could be described no other way than a sassy black southern woman trapped inside a 6 foot 3inch, 250 pound muscled-up white guy, and he'd become a close friend of ours for his fierce loyalty and unabashed honesty, not to mention his hilarious sassiness. He was one of the very few in Central that was never afraid to tell Edward when he was being an ass.

"You should hear him go on about you." Garfiel continued. "That man talks about you like you're buttermilk fried chicken on the hungriest damn morning of his whole life. Some stinky shit is definitely goin' down over there in the sandbox."

Riza and Rebecca both nodded in unison, and Rebecca added, "I just don't see him going for someone like Lust anyway. I mean sure she's attractive, but you far surpass her for beauty and you're an amazing person. You guys are apples and oranges; completely different."

"Our marked differences are what I'm concerned about." I reasoned nervously. "Ed and I haven't been together that long, a couple years, but since we've met it's been pretty much constant drama. He's always worried about me, and I always feel like he's stuck being my bodyguard which I know he hates."

"Win, he watches over you so closely because he loves you." Riza replied. "He keeps tabs on all of us. It's just how he is, he's not obligated to do it." I shook my head in disagreement.

"No, it's different with all of you. You all have the ability to protect yourselves. I'm still only an ok shot with a gun, and my Krav Maga isn't much better. Ed and I are constantly running into trouble and he's always having to save the day, and I can't help feeling like its wearing on him. I've always been worried that he'll leave me because he doesn't want to be a danger to me, or because he's just sick of having me -one more problem on his list of problems- hanging overhead. He tried to keep Lust a secret from me before he left, he didn't want me to see her. He was abnormally quiet to me before leaving, and I haven't heard from him once since he left."

I turned to Riza. "I know he has a civilian line out there. Lust has been using it to call soldiers back here, and Ed used it the other night when he called Al." Riza put up a hand defensively.

"I swear we had no idea, he hasn't contacted me or Roy via a civilian line, and if he used it there must've been an important reason why."

"More important than reaching out to me even once? If I didn't know better I could've assumed him dead. Not even a lousy text." I said bitterly. The wine was catching up and making me ballsy, and I told myself to swallow my anger. I noticed a flicker in Riza's usually stoic exterior.

"What?" I asked. She sighed and caved.

"I didn't want to say anything, because I'm not sure I believe it, but what you heard Edward say to Alphonse… He also said it to me and Roy. He told us to stay away from you because you guys weren't together anymore, and to spread the word to our friends, and for us not to come up here and he would deal with… 'getting you out of the house.'"

I suddenly felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, and she turned to me with an earnest look.

"I think something else is going on that he's not telling us. Something bigger than we could fathom. This behavior is so unlike him. I think you need to listen to Marcoh." Riza said. "He brings up an excellent point. We all know Ed well, we know how he is and for the past few months he's been very out of character. We haven't been able to ask him about it because he's away, and Major Lust is just an unfortunate coincidence for all we know. I have a really difficult time believing that Edward truly doesn't love you anymore. Did you have a big fight or something?"

"No. I got freaked out because of Lust and because he'd been quiet for weeks, but we hardly ever fight about anything. What if we're all over-thinking this? Maybe he got sick of worrying about me all the time, went away with Lust, fell in love with her while overseas and doesn't want to come back to me. It would explain everything. Maybe it really is that black and white."

Stark, uncomfortable silence settled over the room, and I could feel the tears forming behind my eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I have a headache, too much wine probably. Would you hate me for turning in? I'm not kicking you out."

"Go to sleep, doll." Garfiel said. "We're gonna finish this game and we'll clean up before we go. I'm still waiting to see who gets my favorite card, 'Two Midgets Shitting Into A Box'!"

This earned a genuine laugh from me and I wished them all goodnight before retiring to bed. I closed our bedroom door behind me and stripped off my clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor before sliding between the sheets and immediately scooting to Ed's side of the bed. I pulled open the nightstand drawer and fished around in the darkness before pulling out my prize; the 4x6 of us in bed, when we were happy. I gazed at us and could almost feel myself back in that moment, with his warm body beside me and the way we laughed together like silly teenagers. My eyelids grew heavy as the first tear rolled down, and I curled my arms around his pillow and pulled it close with the picture tucked underneath to bury my face in the soft fabric that, despite a three month absence, still smelled clean and earthy. Just like him.


	6. Chapter 6

Missing you comes in waves.

Tonight I'm drowning.

-Unknown.

* * *

><p>I breathed out a sigh as I sat in the dark of the bunker, reflecting on the last few days and thinking about what needed to happen next. Lust went undercover at Sloth's latest gathering, posing as a prostitute and just as we suspected Sloth took the bait the moment she entered the room. I had been watching from the rafters above. Of course, Sloth wasn't present, but his right hand men were there to do all his bidding and Lust and I both hoped that it wouldn't take much 'convincing' on her part to soften Sloth's defenses and get some intel about what he was up to these days. It had been awhile since he'd made any grand spectacle killing sprees, which could only mean he was busy cooking up something.<p>

Seeing Lust walk in with the other girls -poor women who'd been captured and sold- did little to excite me, but I felt like the biggest piece of shit on the planet when she removed her black robe and stood among the crowded room in red lingerie and heels, smiling and batting her eyes, totally unafraid. She was confident, collected, and so, so, sexy. It was especially unnerving considering what had taken place between Lust and I the night before back at the bunker.

She'd had a little too much to drink and became braver than usual, and pushed me into the wall to press herself against me. It was tempting, with her breath on my neck making my heart race. I mean let's face it, I was far from home, I was a man with needs, and if Lust and I gave into each other Winry would never find out.

But I couldn't do it. Feeling her hand running over my chest sent my mind back to the first time Winry did the same, on the night I told her about my automail. I could never betray her. I pushed her back gently and shook my head, reminding her that I had someone waiting for me at home. Lust quickly turned bitter from rejection, and we fought. She kept insisting that Winry would never know and after several minutes of back and forth about it I got fed up and told Lust to stop being such a slut. Not the most gentlemanly thing for me to say, but the fact that my idiotic brain even entertained the idea of ripping Lust's clothes off only made me angrier, and when she contacted me several days later from her position at the manor, it was with even worse news. After spending time together, Sloth didn't just want to use her and lose her like the rest of them, he was obsessed with her. Wanted her to stay forever. Said that he was in love with her. So when I finally made my move, I thought for sure that Lust had gotten him cornered somewhere that I could easily snipe his enforcers without his knowledge before coming after him. But something went wrong. I was discovered somehow, and what was supposed to be a quiet killing, nice and simple, turned into an all-out shooting spree that Lust and I barely got out of.

As I watched her sleeping on the other side of the room I reached into her canvas bag and stole a cigarette, the first I'd had in years. That first drag reminded me of the old, destructive life I'd left behind and on the flipside the future I was trying to build with Winry, and as much as I'd hoped that having a cigarette would calm me the way they used to, I became even more stressed knowing that our fragile future was about to shatter. Lust was a traitor. I had received a video from a blocked number, and was shocked when the grainy footage cleared to reveal Sloth himself holding up a picture to the camera. A picture of Winry. I'd always kept it in the inner pocket of my kevlar, close to my heart, but I ripped off the jacket during the uproar at Sloth's manor for Lust to wear because she had no protection from gun fire. When we got back to the bunker I checked the vest but the photo was gone -Lust had left it to be found- and the grainy video Sloth sent me was a direct message telling me of Lust's betrayal. They knew what Winry looked like. They knew where she was.

"An eye for an eye." Sloth said. "You took my love away, now I'll take what you love most."

* * *

><p>Several phone calls later I had formulated a plan and was packing what I needed when Lust put a hand on my shoulder. The feel of her skin on mine made me nauseous. I no longer felt even the smallest modicum of respect for her and the incredibly dangerous job she was here to do. She was pissed at me for rejecting her so her first action in retaliation was to divulge personal information about me to the enemy, endangering the mission along with the base camp in Baghdad and everyone in it, while simultaneously risking the safety of an innocent civilian who also happened to be a multimillion dollar government investment and an extremely important figure to medical science, not to mention the love of my life. There were lots of reasons for me to be angry. All kinds of reasons for me to put a bullet in Lust's head, but I couldn't. I reminded myself that I was rational, I was controlled, and I was here to do a job.<p>

The first part of that job was to send Lust packing. It was a pretty loud hollering match between us when I told her to get her shit and go back to the States. She didn't deny stabbing me in the back; and she barely flinched when I told her how much I wished I could shoot her for what she did, but watching me pull on my kevlar and grab my gun as I headed out of the bunker somehow got a reaction out of her.

"What the hell are you doing?!" She asked, and I sensed that she already knew the answer but I indulged her anyway. I turned back and sent her a cold glare.

"I'm fixing your fuck-up. Have your shit packed and ready in 20 minutes because an escort is coming to make sure you get on a plane headed Stateside."

She scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Oh you're just bent outta shape because I told them about your girl. RELAX. Now that they're trying to find her they're not focusing on you, so it'll be a clean shot! I basically just handed Sloth over to you on a silver platter. I think I should stay and provide backup, at least until we've killed him."

"_WE?_" I balked incredulously. "WE aren't gonna do SHIT._ I'M_ gonna blow that place to fucking kingdom come and _YOU_ are gonna go back to New York and I'll deal with you there! Do you not understand what you've done? How many lives you've jeopardized? And for what, because you're feeling rejected? Because the spoiled brat couldn't get her way?!"

She continued to roll her eyes and stand with arms folded like a petulant teenager as my anger began to get the better of me.

"You have_ no idea_ the shit storm you've created with all of this. I just called around to everyone in my life and told them that Winry means nothing to me because if Sloth thinks I love her he'll kill her, and I can't go home to fix this mess until he's dead! She's gonna find out, she'll hate me and she'll be freaking the fuck out in New York while I'm stuck here and… just get the the hell out of my sight, I'm done with you." I shook my head in disgust and turned to walk away, only stopping once again at her bitter response.

"Sloth's not gonna find your girl, she's on the other side of the planet and you're just being dramatic. What the fuck is so special about your precious 'Winry' anyway? She give great head or something? I bet I could do better!"

I whipped around and stormed up to her feeling like I could spit venom.

"I wouldn't let you suck my dick if it cured cancer." I growled. "You're a goddamn petri dish who sleeps with whatever moves. You're an idiot who doesn't follow orders, yea I know you've been sneaking off to call stateside on a goddamn civilian line, and you're a pathetic excuse for a soldier. Keep my girlfriend's name out of your mouth, and when you get back to New York, you stay the fuck away from her."

As I walked away again, I refocused myself on what I knew needed to be done to accomplish the mission and keep Winry and everyone at the base camp safe. The original plan called for a 'slow and steady wins the race' approach over a 3 month time span, but I was going by a new plan. A faster, more chaotic plan that wouldn't sit well with Mustang, but would get the job done. I had been careful up until now to make sure I wasn't taking unnecessary risks so I could get home to Winry, because as much as being away from her was absolutely killing me, I owed it to her to make sure I came home in one piece. I'd gone on enough missions and come home a bloody pulp, which never bothered me much, but waking up in the hospital to see her crying for me was worse than any physical pain I'd been dealt.

I desperately wanted to call her the entire time I'd been here. My dreams were slowly becoming nightmares because every night I'd see her face and hear her sweet voice telling me she was waiting for me, and it made me afraid to actually hear her in the waking world. I'd never been away from her this long, and hearing her cry on the phone and say she missed me would no doubt be the crack in my composure. It was just too goddamn hard. But now that everything had changed, I needed Sloth and everyone working for him dead immediately.

I was no longer willing to be slow and safe and rule-abiding, and if it sent me home with bullet wounds and shattered automail, I would endure seeing her cry again because it will have meant that I stopped Sloth. It would mean Winry was safe. And so with fire in my gut and my blood boiling, I set out for Sloth's manor alone, to do my job the way I used to when I was younger. When I had nothing to lose and not a care in the goddamn world, because life didn't matter. Once again, I had no concern for my own welfare, only for accomplishing the mission because now it was very personal. I set out with the cold, unfeeling nature I possessed as a teenager and set my sights on my target, and dug up my old motto from the days when I believed killing was all I was good for:

No emotion, No mercy, No survivors.

* * *

><p>AN: thank you all for reading and for your kind reviews. I appreciate you all sticking with me while I put our favorite couple through the wringer. Its been harder for me to update this story as frequently as I did with Perfect Blood, because this time i've been writing as I go along whereas with PB I had written about ten chapters before I uploaded the story so it gave me the opportunity to update everyday, sometimes twice a day. It feels incredible to see reviews and follows from so many new readers as well as my regulars who've been with me since the start (you wonderful people know who you are), and it's immensely flattering. I'll admit that I'm totally self-indulgent with these stories, I write them solely because they're what I want to read and what I feel is missing from this site, so to find that so many people enjoy them as much as I do makes my heart soar. You guys are the best, the next chapter is coming soon.


	7. Chapter 7

I've been told  
>that if you repeat a word<br>over and over  
>it loses it's meaning.<p>

I have stayed up  
>countless nights<br>repeating your name  
>hoping<br>that you will mean less to me  
>with each breath.<br>-unknown

* * *

><p>"Look at you, Miss Thing!" Garfiel exclaimed as I stepped into the lab for a visit. "You look better than bacon, baby." He said with hand on hip. "Give us a spin."<p>

I beamed happily and twirled, letting my long hair fan out around me. I felt so much better after a spa day to calm my nerves. I had thought hard about everything, and realized that it just wasn't in Ed's character to be cruel for no reason. There must've been something going on with him that made him say such awful things. Perhaps it was like the first time he tried to push me away because he felt he was too dangerous for me to be around. I told myself to buck up and have a little faith, and go get a facial and your hair trimmed while you're at it because you gotta look hot when he gets home and right now you look like shit.

"Yaaaasss!" He said with an extravagant wave of his index finger while taking in my full and shiny hair and my creamy, glowing skin. "Oh you just wait till Ed sees you! That man is a fine-ass biscuit, he's gonna sop you up like gravy."

I couldn't hold back my riotous laughter. I loved Garfiel for that, he really knew how to make someone feel downright fabulous.

"Will you be going to the tarmac next week to greet him?" I asked.

"Hell no. All that wind out there? Shit will fuck up my weave. But you're going right?" I shook my head with a sad smile.

"No, I'm going to wait here. Just incase he …doesn't wanna see me." I began twisting my hair nervously and Garfiel took my hand.

"You shut your mouth, he's gonna be thrilled to see you. Have faith, remember? He's not gonna let you down." I nodded and forced myself to smile, and she stepped away to open her compact and powder her nose. "Anyways, I'll see Ed when he gets back here, I've got a new arm and leg waiting for him 'cause I'm sure he got 'em blown up or some shit." I felt myself pale.

"You'd think he'd take better care of his limbs considering how expensive they are and how I put my heart and soul into them and whatnot, but nooooo." He continued, off on a rant. "He blocks bullets with them. How about he just not get shot at huh? Lots of soldiers go on missions and manage to not get shot at, but he's gotta go over there pissin' people off left an' right." He rolled his eyes dramatically as he picked up a pair of pliers and set to work prying something out of the small machine in front of him, but stopped when he spied me looking suddenly sick.

"Ah shit," He said. "Me and my mouth, you know I don't know what the fuck I'm going on about half the time, baby. This is Ed we're talking about; I've seen that guy weasel his way outta tight spots that Houdini couldn't make heads or tails of. He's gonna be fine. He's just gon' be fulla sand is all. Sand everywhere ...in all the …places lordy." He blew out a breath and started fanning himself, and I burst out laughing as he asked, "How the hell you manage to live with someone like that? I'm having a damn heat stroke over here just thinking about working the grit out of his ports for god's sake."

* * *

><p>An hour had passed and Garfiel and I fallen into one of our happy conversations about racy lingerie and pore minimizers when he stopped suddenly, his focus holding beyond me as I heard the distinctive click of heels on the floor behind me.<p>

"You're back already?" Garfiel asked.

"I'm back." Said a smooth, velvety voice. I spun around and found myself staring at the cunning grin of Lust. She wore tight black pants and a low cut tank that did little to hide her assets.

"Ed's not here. He'll be back next week." She said as if reading my mind before finally settling her cold dark eyes on me. I stood from my stool, unafraid to face her and plastered on a smile.

"Welcome back." I said. I could make out Garfiel on the edge of my vision rummaging through shelves of spare parts, pretending to look busy while he listened.

"So," I said in awkward attempt to make polite conversation. "How was it?"

She stood with arms folded and cocked her head to the side, sending me a sideways look of surprise before smiling.

"You're really asking me?"

"Well, sure." I said with a casual shrug.

"I'm impressed, didn't figure you for being so straightforward." She said. "Well... It was..." She paused, and her cold eyes snapped to mine again. A new gleam lit them, something sinister.

"It was amazing." She said grinning devilishly. "The best I've ever had."

My plastered smile faltered as I tried to figure out what she meant. Her 3 month stint in a war-torn country was ...the best she ever had? She shrugged with raised brows and said,

"Geez, I don't know why Ed didn't just tell me you guys had an open relationship. I mean why be so secretive if you've got the green light, am I right?"

Garfiel stopped rummaging behind me. I took a step back.

"Wait, I'm sorry, I don't understand..."

Lust's face changed to one of surprise, and she gave a maniacal laugh at herself.

"Oh! You were asking about the MISSION! ...oh, well, that was good too I guess..."

My heart stopped. I couldn't choke out words, and I could only vaguely make out Garfiel stepping between us and yelling at her to get out, calling her a whore and shaking a wrench in the air at her as Major Lust flipped her hair over her shoulder and pouted at me.

"Don't look so heartbroken, Winry. We had a fun romp in the sack but I'm not out to steal your man, he's coming home to you. I only got to play with him for a little while."

Garfiel strung together a new rash of names to holler at her on my behalf as she swung out of the lab. I couldn't feel my fingers and my vision became white and splotchy as Garfiel turned and hugged me close, saying how she must be lying and there had to be some explanation. That it couldn't be true. But I couldn't process it. My ears were ringing, my heart was pounding, I was instantly sick to my stomach. Edward slept with someone else. Edward cheated on me. My throat tightened horribly and I couldn't stop the tears as I folded into Garfiel's arms and cried.

* * *

><p>Two hours later I was back in our apartment pulling my clothes out of the walk-in closet and flinging them angrily across the room towards my open suitcase. Riza was wringing her hands nervously and trying to talk me down, but I was hysterical.<p>

"He'll be home soon," Riza said, grabbing me by the shoulders. "We'll get this all straightened out."

I lurched away from her as though her touch were red hot.

"There's nothing to straighten out! I knew this would happen, I felt it in my gut! I fucking knew it!" I tried so hard not to cry, I was sure I'd cried all the sadness out of me, but it fury was my newly adopted emotion and I couldn't stop the tears. "How could he do this?! I thought... I thought..."

Riza took handfuls of my clothing out of the open suitcase on the floor as I dumped each one in, trying to reason with me. "Winry, we don't know anything-"

"Why would she lie?!" I screamed at my friend. "That bitch had her eyes on Ed the second she got here! How could he do this?!"

Riza paused, looking for a sensible response and coming up short and she shook her head sadly and dropped my clothes back in a messy pile in the suitcase. She looked up at me with watery eyes.

"I don't know how Ed could do that to you. In a million years I would never believe Ed would do that to anyone, especially you. Its just…. not like him." We looked at each other sadly, not knowing what else to say, and Riza moved to leave the bedroom.

"I'm gonna go downstairs and see if Roy's gotten any word on Ed's status and why Lust is back early, she's not telling us anything. Should I come back?" She asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat and swiped the wetness from my face as I nodded.

"Yes. Later maybe. I just really need to be alone so I can get my things together. I don't want to be here when he gets home."

Riza looked like she desperately wanted to implore me to stay, but she was smart and bit her tongue. "I noticed you're out of tea. Would you like me to bring you some from the mess hall?" I crossed the room and hugged her, fighting back flood of tears when I thought of how life would change now that I was leaving Edward, how my relationships with our mutual friends would always be just a little bit worse.

"That would be great, thank you Riza." She returned my hug and made her way to the elevator as I returned to the closet where he held me close as I cried before he left. My heart only shattered further when I spied his black suit jacket hanging on his side, directly across from where my favorite white dress hung. The same black on black Italian suit he wore to the McKittrick, the night when I first realized my attraction to him had grown so much deeper. My mind was flooded with images of him. As I smoothed my hand over the luxe fabric I thought of his dazzling smile, his beautiful eyes unlike any I'd ever seen, the way he smelled crisp and earthy like early fall mornings. Tears fell to the carpet as I thought of his warm laugh, the way he always made me feel so safe and so ...loved. I fell to the floor and sat among the empty hangers and piles of strewn clothes as I held my head in my hands and wept angrily.

An untold number of minutes ticked by in which time my wails had reduced to round, watery eyes and sniffles of sadness as I rooted through the clothing on the floor and packed only what I really loved because I only wanted to deal with two suitcases. I didn't care about my other things. I could send for them later or they could sit here and rot as a reminder for Edward of the terrible things he'd done. If he was looking for shits, I officially had none to give. I heard the elevator ping, announcing Riza's return with my tea, and I considered that I should really smooth things over with her. I had been a hysterical mess all day and yelled at her a few times, I didn't want her to think I was ever angry at her, and even though I was leaving, I hoped she and I would remain friends.

"Thanks for the tea, Riza." I called out from the closet as I swiped my nose and sniffed. When I received no response, I called her name again, but dropped the shirt I was holding when I heard footsteps on the bedroom's wooden floors behind me. My heart rate fluttered madly and I was sure I'd pass out when I realized the footfalls were uneven; one heavier than the other. I turned to look over my shoulder from my spot on the closet floor, and sat frozen as I found myself gazing into golden eyes.

* * *

><p>AN: I have received some of the nicest reviews and compliments this week, far greater than anything I could've imagined. It's so hard to describe how it feels when someone tells me that my story is their favorite on the site, or that they daydream about my versions of Ed and Winry, or that they wish my stories were their own original series and not just an AU fic. What incredible compliments! Thank you all for reading and reviewing, hang in there, there's more on the way.


	8. Chapter 8

I am strong because

I've been weak.

I am fearless because

I've been afraid.

I am wise because

I've been foolish.

* * *

><p>The desert sun scorched down on me unforgivingly as I slowed to a stop, heaving and gasping while I set down my canvas bag and plopped my ass in the sand. I pulled the bandana down from my face to hang loosely around my neck and hunkered down, waiting for the blast. I had perfect view of Sloth's operation a half mile away alone in the desert, with enough C4 wired throughout to reduce the entire place to toothpicks. The explosives were set to timers, set to go off in a few minutes and after spending hours worming my way through the building's ventilation ducts and planting bombs I'd high-tailed it the fuck outta there and hauled ass for the middle of nowhere.<p>

Automail and the desert just did not mix. I'd switched my limbs for warm weather before I flew out, but metal is heavy and heat conducting and you just can't argue with physics. Add that to desert camouflage, heavy combat boots, and a bag full of weapons and suddenly you find yourself entertaining the idea of staying behind to roast in the blast rather than running a half mile like the devil was on your heels. I got myself settled and opened my canvas bag to pull out the video receiver so I could be sure that Sloth and all his pals went up in flames. The device was liked via satellite to tiny surveillance cameras that I'd placed in the air conditioning vents of several rooms in Sloth's compound, and plugged into the audio input on my iphone. I clicked the device in place and a moment later was presented with a live feed of what was happening inside. Sloth was where I wanted him, cameras set along the building's exterior showed no one had left, and most importantly, no one had entered the control room ahead of schedule.

After sending Lust packing the night before, my new plan was to infiltrate Sloth's compound and snipe him out from the vents when he retired for the evening, giving me ample time to put bullets in the heads of his accomplices one by one and be on a plane headed home by daybreak, but all that went out the window when I learned about the missiles. I was working my way, crawling slowly on my stomach through the cramped ventilation ducts and taping little cameras where I needed so I could keep track of Sloth's movements, but the map I made was a rough estimation of the inner layout based on my examination of the buildings exterior, and it caused me to turn right instead of left. I expected to find myself suspended above the grand dining hall, but was instead looking down into a small room with large control panels holding at least 100 different buttons, knobs and levels. There were blackened monitors and maps and papers tacked to the wall and scattered on different surfaces. I tried to read some of the papers directly below me but everything was written in Arabic. I began work setting a camera into place when the door opened and two men I recognized as Sloth's key enforcers entered and shut the door behind them. They were angry, frustrated and frantic, arguing back and forth and I pulled out my phone to take an audio sample of their conversation. I spoke fluent french, my spanish was okay and a I knew a few phrases in Russian, but Arabic was completely lost on me so I had to send the audio via text to Cain Feury back home. He was young, 22 years old, but a linguistics genius who spoke 8 languages, 6 of them fluently. I recorded 60 seconds of the escalating argument before sending it to Feury, and had finished setting my camera when the two men set down some papers on the control panel and left the room. A moment later I looked back at my silenced phone to see Cain's text in response.

*Intercontinental ballistics missiles. Arguing over wether or not to launch early. Send intel asap.*

Ballistics missiles were very, very bad news. I scanned the room for anything I could zoom in on with the camera in my phone that might help us, and had a clear shot at the papers Sloth's partners had left on the control panel. I snapped a picture and sent it off to Cain, and when his text came back a minute later my heart felt to my feet. The papers listed population statistics for every state on the US east coast along with whatever states directly bordered them, and the longitude and latitude of every major city with New York at the top of the list. Sloth was planning to launch missiles aimed at the United States with enough power to completely wipe out the entire US Eastern Seaboard. It would kill more than 40 million people.

My mind raced wildly, trying to comprehend what I'd stumbled upon when another text came in from Feury.

*Listened to audio again, "New York first. New York tomorrow. The soldier must suffer. His family must die."*

My blood froze over and I swallowed hard, realizing that I now was responsible for stopping an attack on the United States, and I was all alone with no backup. Believe it or not, I had gotten out of worse situations.

* * *

><p>I pulled my bandana from my neck to swipe the sweat from my brow before stuffing it in back pocket of my pants while I continued watching the footage from my spot on the sand. The minutes were counting down and there was only 4 left, but the previous 5 had felt like an eternity knowing that if this didn't work then there would be no chance to stop them before the launch. I could only sit and hope the force of the blast would take the missiles with it. Thoughts of Winry flooded my mind, and it hit me that if this didn't work, I would never see her again. I knew Cain would have notified Roy and Riza of our conversation, but they would never tell Winry what was going on unless they didn't hear from me by the next day, which would mean I had failed and the missiles would be headed their way. I couldn't let our last conversation be me telling her I'd failed and everyone would die because of me.<p>

I dug around in the numerous pockets of my fatigue pants and pulled out a pre-pay international cell phone. I'd only used it a few times to call Al and Mei, and I flipped it open and dialed Winry's number as I kept watch on the video surveillance on my iphone. It went directly to her voicemail telling me to leave a message. I contemplated not leaving one, but as I watched the timer tick down and spied Sloth on camera moving from one room to another, I knew I had to say something. Anything.

"Winry…. I'm sorry I haven't called. I just need you to know that I love you. More than anything. I love, and love, and love you." My mind was flooded with the image of her sapphire eyes that I could stare into forever, the sound of her soft voice like a lullaby to bring me sleep free from nightmares, her sweet and full lips, more addictive than any drug I'd ever known.

With 30 seconds to go I hung up the phone, crossed my fingers and for the first time since I could remember, I prayed.

"God, we don't have much of a relationship, but if you're up there ….help me. Please God I need to save them. I need to save her." My hardened gaze was fixed unblinking at my phone, locked on the image of Sloth. Ten seconds.

"…Please….please let this work. Please God." My heart pounded and anxiety swarmed within. This was it. Now or never. I kept my gaze on Sloth, standing talking to his right hand man as the final seconds ticked down, 3…2…1.

My head snapped up to the compound in the distance, and was met with the beautiful sight of the biggest, brightest flash I'd ever witnessed. My hands flew to my ears to protect them from the deafening blast and I sat in shock as the building exploded into a glorious ball of raging fire. Plumes of black smoke erupted from the site and I shielded my eyes from the spray of the sand when the blast's aftershock sent a gust of wind my way powerful enough to nearly knock me on my back. I sat in the sand utterly dumbfounded; I'd never blown up anything that big before, and I did it single handedly without being discovered and without any backup.

"…I did it…" I muttered dumbly. "Holy shit did it." I suddenly snapped to and fumbled around in the sand frantically for my phone with the video receiver. Each camera read as static, which meant that if the blast took out the reenforced steel encasing them, it would have pulverized everything and everyone in the building. I jumped to my feet in sheer ecstatic joy.

"I FUCKING DID IT!" I ripped off my sunglasses and rubbed my eyes to be sure I wasn't dreaming or seeing a mirage. An explosion that massive absolutely meant that the missiles were destroyed. I had done it. I had saved 40 million people. Adrenaline surged in me and I couldn't contain myself. I paced back and forth in the sand raking my hands through my hair as I let the collected exterior of a soldier melt away and I beamed like a friggin' idiot.

"I can't believe it worked. I blew it up. I BLEW IT UP!" I exclaimed joyously to no one. My glee got the better of me I began cackling hysterically as I watched the debris falling around the burning building, when a second explosion rocked the structure. I had set half of the bombs to go 3 minutes after, just incase the first wiring was faulty. The bombs were all wired to explode at the same time, and I had feared a christmas light effect where if one goes out, they'd all go out. When I watched the second explosion send a black mushroom cloud of smoke into the air I was overcome with awe, wonder, and goddamn unabashed pride as I took in the sheer beauty of the devastating art I'd created, and slowly turned around to address the empty desert around me as I boasted with a shit-eating grin,

"Did _ANYBODY_ see that?"

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later I was packed and waiting for my pickup from the base camp in Baghdad when I realized I hadn't called Roy. I pulled out my phone and decided to try Winry again first, because I was so fucking relieved and I wanted her to be the first to know that I was on my way home. Once again, she didn't answer. I frowned when prompted to leave a message, and hung up to call Roy.<p>

*Fullmetal.* He answered.

"It's done, Roy. I'm coming home."

*And the missiles?*

"Destroyed."

*You're ahead of schedule. What did you do?* He asked.

"I'll explain everything when I get back, but just a heads up, I sent Lust back home several hours ago, she should be getting in sometime late tomorrow tonight. I'll be a few days behind her, but let me know when she shows up, and keep her away from Winry." The line went quiet for a moment before he let out an exasperated sigh. I could picture him pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to calm his twitching eyebrow.

*Do I even want to know?*

"We didn't get along so great. Lust nearly tanked the entire mission and she endangered a lot of people in the process. I'll fill you in when I get back." I looked out over the sand toward the mountains in the distance and saw the helicopter headed towards me. "My rides nearly here so I gotta get going, is Winry around? She's not answering her phone." I was met with another beat of silence.

*So it was a lie.*

"Yes it was a lie, and for good reason. You didn't actually believe me did you?"

*Of course not. I knew there was something going on with you. Winry on the other hand…* I felt my heart falter.

"What happened? She wasn't supposed to find out about all this." I said menacingly.

*Well, she was with your brother and his wife when you told them about your 'breakup'. She thinks you don't love her anymore.* My jaw hit the ground.

"Are you fucking serious? I told them not be around Winry. I had a feeling shit would go down and I wanted them to stay away from her so she wouldn't hear about it! Will you go find her and tell her it's not true please?" I said, thoroughly aggrivated with my brother for not doing what I'd asked, and myself for getting into this mess in the first place.

*What do you think Riza's been doing all this time? You think she's just sitting back and letting your girlfriend go apeshit? We've been going to bat for you since you first left and wasn't even calling the woman. Of course we told her what she heard wasn't true, but she's freaking out Ed, and I can't say I blame her.* I raked my hand through my hair in anger, unable to fathom that I couldn't have even a moment's peace. I sighed heavily as the helicopter slowed to hover 100 feet away, and I hauled my canvas bag over my shoulder and made my way towards the aircraft.

"I'll fix this mess as soon as I get to Central. I won't be able to reach her mid-flight so will you please go tell her that I love her and I coming home?"

*Sure Ed, I'll go play cupid. I don't have work to do. I'm not the goddamn Brigadier General or anything.*

"Then send your wife!" I hollered impatiently.

*That's MRS. goddamn Brigadier General Mustang to you soldier! …And yea I'll…go send Riza." He acquiesced before adding, "Good job Fullmetal. Now get home fast. That's an order."

The rope latter was thrown down to me from the helicopter and I looked up to the soldier on board giving me the thumbs up to ascend.

* * *

><p>Central was the bustling madhouse it always had been, and I'd never been happier to see it. I was feeling pretty damn proud of myself for not only foiling yet another terrorist plot and saving the country, but for doing it by myself with limited resources and getting home a week early with hardly a scratch on me. My automail was pretty beat up from the bullets that were lodged in it and I knew Garfiel would be mad, but what kept me grinning the most as I walked in the main entrance and took in my surroundings was knowing I'd finally be seeing Winry again.<p>

I had once again ditched the usual plan and opted for a newer one taking as many express hops I could get on my way back to the states, just for the sake of getting home faster. After speaking to Roy and learning of Winry's concerns I had a sinking feeling in my gut that if I couldn't count on Lust to behave when we were working together, there was no telling what she'd be up to when I wasn't around. She had flown out several hours before me, but I knew the flight she was on was stopping overnight in Germany to pick up military personnel and refuel. I knew that with careful planning I could get a hop from Baghdad to Spain, and could leave from Spain almost immediately to head directly back to New York. Lust had only beaten me home by a few hours.

I knew I looked like hell, having not showered or shaved in nearly two days in my eagerness to just get home, but that didn't stop me from happily whizzing past the glass walls of Mustang's office as I headed to the lab to let Garfiel know I was back early and would be needing a fix up. I came to a halt in the lab's doorway when I spied Garfiel and Riza both looking paler than usual and speaking to each other in hushed tones about something they clearly didn't want to be public knowledge. I knocked on the door frame cautiously.

"Uh...sorry am I interrupting something?" They both snapped up at me and Riza's face quickly turned vermillion as she marched forward and yanked me into the lab, slamming the door shut before turning on me.

"Tell me it's not true." She said. "You would never Ed, right? You would never do that to Winry!" I put my hands up defensively and looked back and forth between her and Garfiel, who looked equally ready to castrate me.

"What are you talking about?! Hawkeye what did I do?!"

"Did you sleep with Lust, Edward?!" She hollered.

"What?! No, of course not! Where did you get an idea like that?!"

Garfiel interjected quietly, "From Major Lust." My words died in my throat as my blood ran cold. "She came in here a few hours ago and told Winry you'd been sleeping together."

I stumbled backward and held onto the metal work station's edge, trying to gather myself and not succumb to the shock.

"_NO._ It's a lie. I would never do that… why would I ever?… Oh holy shit." The three of us stared at each other, not knowing what to say, when a new anger pulsed through me. "Where's Winry?" I asked.

"She's upstairs." Riza said, sadness washing over her.

"What is it?" I asked, desperately trying to control my temper. Riza looked back at me with wet eyes.

"She's beside herself. She hasn't been well since you've been gone. She believes Lust and …theres just no consoling her. I'm worried she's lost all faith in you." I was at a loss for words and Riza stepped forward to sock me hard in the left shoulder, bringing me back to Earth.

"We all know in our collective gut that Lust is full of shit. Get it together and go talk to Winry." I nodded, suddenly reminded of all the times growing up when Hawkeye had put the fear of God in me for doing something stupid or shooting my mouth off to superiors, I supposed that this time it was for being borderline negligent to the one person who deserved one thousand percent of my attention. It suddenly all settled heavy on my heart in that moment. I hadn't called because of the emotional torture it was to be away from her, I'd denied her to mutual friends to throw Sloth off her trail, and now the person who I tried to hide from her to protect her self-esteem was spreading lies that we'd been together. In all my efforts to hold her, I was losing her.

I took off running.

* * *

><p>The apartment didn't have the homey warmth I'd grown accustomed to. Before Winry came it was just an apartment, and having her there made it feel like a home for the first time in all the years I'd been up there. But as I walked out of the elevator and into the great room, I felt empty. Like I was coming home to the nothingness that was my life before Winry. Sunlight poured in from the skylights above and the only light from inside the apartment shone from our bedroom down the hall. I carefully made my way, listening for signs of life, knowing that Winry would be here and was likely angry. Winry was a complicated creature -as most women were in the eyes of the common man- but I'd liked to believe I'd gotten her mostly figured out. She was sweet and giving, forever thinking of others before herself, and as natural as it was for her body to heal itself, she seemed to always be a source of healing for those around her. Making others happy made her happy in return, and when she was happy, I could almost believe that no evil actually existed in the world. Positivity beamed from her and warmed her environment wherever she went and anyone who met her was instantly pulled under her sweet spell. Being among a happy Winry Rockbell was one of the greater highs I'd ever experienced in life.<p>

Of course, she wouldn't be human if she were in a good mood all the time, and seeing her sad about anything was enough to sink my mood deeper than the Titanic. It gutted me to ever see her cry, and unfortunately due to my abnormal life I felt like I was seeing her cry more and more lately. I felt the same shock to my heart I'd experienced the first time I'd ever laid eyes on her, when I heard her voice carry from the bedroom thanking Riza for the tea. But she didn't sound like herself. She was sad. More than sad. My heart pounded and dread slowly filled me; she would hate me for all of this.

I slowly entered our room and found her in the closet, a crying heap slumped over on the carpet, but what drove fear through my heart like an icepick was her clothes strewn everywhere and the suitcases she was packing. She stilled, no doubt having heard my footsteps, and turned to me. Those stunning deep blue orbs of hers were shining with wetness as her gaze settled on me and her face retained a look of utter misery. She just …stared at me. My heart was unfathomably heavy in my chest, and my breathing labored as I took in the agony of the scene before me. The tears poured down her beautiful skin in fresh streams, and I felt the mist forming behind my own eyes as my throat tightened violently. The love of my life was leaving me.

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you all again for reading and leaving me such kind reviews. You're all simply the best and I still can't believe so many people love this storyline as much as I do. It's truly humbling and heart warming. More soon.


	9. Chapter 9

Love me or hate me,

both are in my favor…

If you love me, I'll

always be in your

heart… If you hate me,

I'll always be in your

mind.

-William Shakespeare

* * *

><p>"You're back…" I choked out after staring at him for a few beats. He was home a week early, and sported unwashed hair and a dirt-smudged face with a five o' clock shadow and evidence of jet-lag in his wide and exhausted eyes. I wanted to kick myself for still finding him so beautiful. He said nothing as he gazed at me, and that's when I truly saw him, truly saw the rawness of his expression and the way he was softly panting as if he'd run up here. His beautiful eyes were watery and fearful, and he finally breathed out.<p>

"…You're leaving me?"

After months of waiting by the phone, checking it constantly and praying for a call, a text, _something_, I no longer wanted to talk. I'd had enough. My inner turmoil quickly festered into boiling anger and I realized my tears were no longer the product of sadness, but of raging anger. Pure fury directed at Lust, at him, and most of all myself for not getting out of the apartment faster. The second Lust told me I should've grabbed my keys and left. I swiped my nose on my sleeve and sniffed, breaking my gaze and I stood to march out of the closet. I could feel his sharp eyes analyzing my every move and his rigid tension seemed to radiate across the room. He was dying for me to say something. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

I moved past him with not even a second glance and stormed out to the living room in search of my boots. He followed.

"Winry please I can explain-"

"You wanna talk?!" I whipped around ferociously. "I waited for you! For MONTHS I waited by the phone BEGGING you to call, and_ now_ you wanna talk?!" I threw my hands up and shook my head incredulously, unable to believe the bullshit I was dealing with. I no longer knew what was real and what was a lie, I could only go with my gut, and my gut was telling me I didn't deserve this. His hardened gaze didn't break. I knew that look all too well; he was angry and trying to compose himself.

"I'm sorry for not calling. I'm sorry for everything. Please just …calm down and listen to me." He said as I plopped down on the hardwood floor in front of the elevators and pulled on my boots.

"What's to listen to? I heard plenty when you told your brother to stay away from me because I meant nothing to you." I said bitterly as I stood and strode back to the bedroom in search of my leather jacket.

"That was a lie." He moved to block the bedroom door, effectively cutting me off.

"Please move." I muttered.

"No. We need to talk about this. You need to know the truth." My mind flashed back to the first time I came to his apartment to confront him about why he'd been avoiding me; it seemed history was repeating itself as I recalled how he stopped me from leaving by insisting I hear the truth. I no longer knew what 'truth' to believe. I shook my head sadly, unable to stop another angry tear escaping as my gaze met his again. I couldn't do this anymore.

"I can't trust you." I said. His face looked like he'd been slapped, and it squeezed my heart horribly, but I had to remain firm. "I've heard so many lies. So many warped versions of 'truths' from so many different people that I no longer know who to trust. There can't be love without trust." My voice cracked miserably as I gave way to grief. "I need to go." I gently pushed my way past him, leaving him in a state of shock as he said nothing. I grabbed my keys off the kitchen island and made my way to the stairwell door, when his soft voice broke the silence.

"Tell me you don't love me."

I mentally cursed myself for stopping, but I couldn't help it. It was just like the first time. How dare he use my own words against me. My blood boiled in my viens.

"That is _so_ unfair." I said, turning to him. "You know I love you. You know I always have. YOU'RE the one who stopped caring. Why Ed? Did this really all happen because of her? Or was I just an amusement to you from the start?" He looked taken aback at my inquiry, and began to move towards me.

"Wait, that's not it at all-"

"-No lemme finish!" I interrupted, feeling my careful composure begin to unravel. "I know that I'll never be able to relate to you the way she can. I'm not a soldier, I'm not an assassin. I know she's got her shit together better than I do. Someone like her would never be a burden to you because she can take care of herself, but me? I always need you to save me. I'll always need the Fullmetal Alchemist to ride in and save the fucking day." His hardened gaze began to soften as he took in my bitter tirade. He no longer looked angry. He looked sad for me, and the hopelessness in his eyes only surged my anger more. I wasn't looking for pity. I was looking to bludgeon him over the head with his own guilt.

"You always knew it would be this way, so why did you even string me along?" I asked. "I mean, if it's such an inconvenience for you to call me while you're on TDY I can't imagine what it must be like for you to actually be here with me day in and day out. It must be the biggest pain in the ass for you to constantly worry about me, for you to always be saving me. Why waste the last two years with me if you knew it was never gonna last? Don't stand there and ask me to renounce my feelings when you've already denied yours. You worked hard enough to keep me and Lust apart, go claim your reward." I turned to leave again and had my path cut off by a blur of black and gold. He stood before me a menacing feral creature barely keeping it's composure as he glared daggers at me.

"Lust means NOTHING to me." He growled, looming over me. "I'm trying to make you understand that, but you won't shut the hell up for one goddamn second! Nothing happened! She lied to you because she's angry at me!"

"And why would she be angry at you Edward?!" I hollered back at tears once again threatened to fall. "If she was just your partner and nothing more, like you claimed, then why would she try to drive us apart out of anger?! You really expect me to believe she fabricated a story about you two fucking each other for no reason? Maybe she got mad because you slept with her while having a girlfriend back home! Maybe she told me as revenge for you scorning her!"

"Will you just _listen_ to me for a second?"

"No! I'm done! I'm not dealing with this bullshit anymore. I'm not gonna sit here one more day trying to make this relationship work with someone who already knows that it can't!" Tears streamed down my cheeks as I sobbed. "I'm not right for you! I never have been, and it's the reason all of this happened. I just wish you could've been honest with yourself about it, maybe then I wouldn't have been strung along for two years."

I pushed past him, telling myself to ignore the way my every muscle clenched when I caught his wonderful, intoxicating smell. I pushed the stairwell door open and made my way to the parking garage. This time I didn't stop. This time, he didn't come after me.

* * *

><p>I sat on the front steps of Central two days later, sucking black tar into my lungs as I was joined by Maes Hughes. Maes was best friends with Roy, they were old war buddies from back in the day, and he had known me since my arrival when I was a fucked-up little kid. We had managed to stay close friends despite my fucked-upness continuing well into my adulthood.<p>

"Smoking again huh?" He said as he settled down on the steps next to me. "Havoc must be happy to have his old partner in crime back. We had a nickname for you guys whenever you were dispatched on missions together; the Terror Twins." I had to grin; Maes's story flashed me back to all the high-jinks Havoc and I caused during our years of deployment together. Those were some of my best and worst years. I was young and looked up to Havoc who was only a handful of years older than me, and he would turn a blind eye to my miscreant behavior because he was usually too busy with some girl's legs wrapped around him to tell me not to pop those pills or rub that cocaine into my gums. We were killing bad guys and getting high, saving the world and fucking every pretty thing that caught our eye. It was a miracle he never wound up with some venereal disease, and I never thought I'd live to see my thirties.

"This is temporary. It's been a rough week." I said, taking a final drag before crushing the butt on the concrete step.

"I bet. Any word from Winry?" He asked. I shook my head as I looked out onto the busy city street. After she stormed out I went to the bedroom to clean up the mess and found her phone buried under piles of clothing in the closet. She hadn't seen that I'd tried to call. "She'll come around, give it time." He said, "We're finally making headway with Major Lust's case. Her superior's have requested she be extradited back to her station in California. I've been working with Internal Affairs to get a better peek at her background. Judging on what we've dug up, I'd say I see a quick and easy court marshaling on the horizon."

"I wanna do worse than just court marshal her." I added bitterly. Hughes blanched and shrank back from me.

"Geez Ed, I know you're mad but you can't just threaten to kill people left and right. You might wanna keep comments like that to yourself, otherwise Marcoh's gonna have you locked in a white padded room." I whipped around to glare at him.

"You have no idea what this is like, Hughes! What if it was Gracia? Imagine if Gracia hated your guts for something that never actually happened!" He regarded me with wide eyes and swallowed before breathing out slowly. I felt like a jack-ass in that moment. Sometimes I got too comfortable with people, and I forgot what they all knew about me. Sometimes I forgot how easily I could scare people. "Hughes I'm sorry-"

"-You're right." He interrupted with a rare seriousness etched over his features. Maes was always great to be around for the energy he brought to a room. You might be at the party, but Hughes IS the party, and there was nothing he celebrated more than the love he had for his wife and child. That love was also the one thing that could turn him serious in an instant. "I would be just like you if it were Gracia. You have every right to wanna breathe fire and swat planes from the sky, but you gotta keep your cool if you ever hope to get through to Winry. Why are you even sitting here stewing about it? Shouldn't you be going after her?"

"She wants nothing to do with me." I reasoned angrily. "I can't call her because she left her phone here and I'm not sure where she is. I gave Riza her phone a few hours ago, hopefully she'll know where Winry went and get it to her." I raked a hand through my hair as I mentally debated my next move. "How did this even happen? How did it all go to shit so fucking fast? She's right about one thing, we're not right for each other."

I could sense Hughes's surprise and I turned to him. "She's never gonna be able to protect herself from my life, and it kills me that she's constantly in danger because of me."

"Wasn't Roy trying to convince you to marry her?" He asked.

"He was. I haven't made any decisions about that. I can't spring something like that on Winry, especially now that she's ended things because she thinks I slept with Lust." I shook my head in disbelief. "I can't believe I just spent 3 months in a goddamn warzone, and this is the shit I come home to. Riza was right, she's impossible to get through to. I just don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do." Maes gave a curt nod in understanding, and stood to leave when he sensed how dejected I'd become. As he turned to leave, he paused with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, you got her to love you once before. Maybe you should just do whatever you did the first time." He entered the building leaving me on my own, and his words bounced back and forth off the inner walls of my mind. What had I done the first time? How did she ever grow to love me to begin with? I was a totally fucked up mess when I was her bodyguard, and I worked my ass off to hide as much of that side of me as I could, but somehow she loved me anyway. I wasn't even trying. I knew how to charm a woman into my bed, but I never exercised that on Winry because I was already madly in love with her and didn't know what to do with myself. At first I didn't know it was love, all I knew was that I felt something indescribable for her. People always say 'When you find that one person, you'll just know. You can't describe it. There's no word for it. But when you find real love, it's just different'. That 'it' feeling was what I had for Winry, from the moment I first saw her in Mustang's office. From the moment I first shook her hand in greeting I had that horrible, overwhelming feeling in my gut that scared the shit out of me. Looking back, that was my subconscious trying to tell me that I had found her. I had found the person who would love me in spite of who I was, the things I had done, the life I was living. I never tried to make Winry Rockbell love me, because I was so sure I would never be lovable. I didn't have a secret motive behind pulling her into the shower, I just wanted her to feel safe and stop crying. I wasn't planning on kissing her, it just happened. But when it did, everything changed.

I knew what needed to be done.

* * *

><p>My apartment was cold and dark. I hadn't lived there for nearly two years, so there was no power and no heat. I didn't care. I ordered takeout from the chinese place down the street I'd always loved when I lived alone, and I sat on the stripped mattress on the floor of my old bedroom with my carton of noodles and my stack of books for company. After leaving Central I'd driven straight to my Granny's house in Queens to grab what I needed to put my life back together in my old home. I had a few sets of clothes I always kept at her place, some sheets and blankets, and of course books. Granny was on a cruise in the bahamas with her pals for two weeks and I didn't want to bother her with news of my love life falling to pieces, so I took what I needed and drove back to Christopher Street.<p>

The next evening I'd opened the front door to Riza standing there with my cell phone.

"You forgot this." She said, seeming colder than usual. She was all professionalism. I offered her to come in but she declined.

"No, thank you, but I need to be getting back to Central." I sensed that she wanted to say something but was biting her tongue for the sake of good manners.

"We're still friends, right?" I said. "Whatever it is, just say it." She snapped her sharp glare at me.

"I can't believe you actually walked out." She said. I nearly stumbled back in shock. "I know you were packing your bags but I thought for sure that you would've at least listened to Ed's side, instead of just taking Lust's to be true. After all, Lust has done nothing but make you suspicious since the moment she showed up. Has there _EVER_ been a moment when Ed made you feel that you couldn't trust him?"

Her words slammed into me like a freight train and my hand flew to my mouth. She made an excellent point. I was always on Ed's side until Lust decided to tip the scales, and what had she ever done to earn my trust? Edward wasn't perfect, he definitely deserved some of my anger. But Riza could read anyone like a book and if she truly believed Edward to be unfaithful she wouldn't have been at my doorstep scolding me for turning on him. I felt tears welling behind my eyes.

"Do you still love Ed?" She asked. I looked at her, unable to speak through the lump in my throat, and nodded. Of course I loved him. I wouldn't have spent 3 months throwing a shit fit if I didn't. Her hard eyes softened and she smiled.

"Then theres hope." She turned and left, and I closed the door after her and looked around the emptiness of my old home. The apartment felt so huge with nothing in it, the hooks and wires dangling from the barren walls became the physical embodiment of how I felt on the inside. Exposed, vulnerable, left to dangle out over vast nothingness. I was suddenly exhausted and I forced myself to throw a top sheet on the mattress for me to curl up on before dragging myself to bed. I unlocked my phone for the first time in days and my heart sank when I saw two missed calls from a number listing as all zeros -which I knew was Edward calling from overseas- and a voicemail. I swallowed nervously as I pressed the speaker button and opened the voicemail. Once again, Edward's voice filled my empty apartment.

*_Winry…. I'm sorry I haven't called. I just need you to know that I love you. More than anything. I love, and love, and love you._* I looked at the date; he had left it while he was still in Iraq.

As lonely as I'd felt over the past 3 months without Edward sleeping next to me, it was nothing compared to the void I felt as I pulled the blanket over me wishing for his warm chest against my back and his cold metal arm to curl around my waist. I cried myself to sleep.

* * *

><p>I awoke in the middle of the night to knocking at the door. I let out an aggravated sigh wondering who the hell it could possibly be as I rolled myself off the mattress and climbed to my unsteady feet. I hadn't dressed warmly enough in my leggings and thin sweater, and hugged my arms around myself as I shuffled to the front door still rubbing sleep from my eyes. I hadn't managed to reach for the knob when it started turning back and forth and I listened to the all-too-familiar clicking sound of my lock being picked. Memories rushed back, and I stumbled backward trying to figure out if I was awake or dreaming when the door opened and Edward Elric marched in and slammed it shut behind him. His golden eyes blazed with the same alert glare he held when we first met, and it cut through the darkness to zero in on me. The moonlight shining through the window glinted off metal as he dropped his pocket knife to the floor and slid his jacket of his shoulders to fall with it.<p>

"What're you doing here?" I asked. My eyes poured over him and I had to surpress the urge to jump him. He wore black fitted pants and a dark wide neck shirt with long sleeves. The neckline hung loose revealing the scar that ran up his collarbone toward his neck, and there was always something I'd found so unbearably sexy about it. I huffed and tried to make myself still appear angry as I stood my ground in my bare feet, my black lycra leggings and flimsy little mint green sweater. He looked like every woman's fantasy and I looked like tween at a sleepover. His eyes roamed me, effectively making me extremely self-conscious and he said,

"I'm here to make you feel something else." His gaze never broke from mine, and I stood immobilized as he strode forward, the uneven sound of heavy boots on the wooden floors. Before I could gather my wits about me a metal arm lashed out and pulled me forward, and his mouth was on mine.

* * *

><p>AN: I woke up this morning to a reviewer telling me they feel compelled to write fanfics about my fanfic. Talk about the mother of all incredible compliments! What a wonderful way to wake up, I can't thank you all enough for reading and reviewing. Stay with me.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Sorry for any confusion, I had uploaded this chapter earlier but quickly removed it upon realizing I'd forgotten to correct a major error.

* * *

><p>Doubt thou that the stars are fire;<p>

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar;

But never doubt I love.

-William Shakespeare

* * *

><p>I felt myself sag against him immediately, reveling in the feeling of his lips on mine for the first time in months as my eyelids became heavy. Strong arms curled around me to pull me flush against him and when I let out a soft moan my mind snapped to. I broke away and pushed myself back to look at him.<p>

"Wait a minute." I panted, suddenly feeling as shy as I did when we first met and I was almost unable to meet his gaze. My hands rested on his shoulders as I breathed deep, trying to calm myself. "It's been a rough few days, and I'm still so confused about everything. I want to talk, just not right now. It's late, we should talk about this tomorrow when we're both in our right frame of mind." I said, trying to reason with him. I turned my eyes up to his and was met with a piercing molten glare that shot straight to my core. He looked serious. He looked angry. He looked gorgeous. In the span of half a second he knocked my arms away from him and grabbed the front of my shirt in his fists so he could jerk me to him and say,

"I never said anything about talking."

One swift tug was all it took, and he ripped my thin sweater down the front and yanked it off me, taking perfect advantage of my shocked gasp to crash his mouth over mine and pour his velvety tongue into me. It was by far one of the hottest things he'd ever done to me, and there was no fighting him as he hoisted me up to wrap my legs around his waist and I raked my fingers through his hair as we devoured each other. Strong hands squeezed my thighs as he moved us toward the empty bedroom, and my body sang as he turned his attention from my mouth to my neck and we descended to the mattress on the floor.

He ground his hips into mine, letting me feel his growing intention and it earned a throaty moan from me before he sat up and back on his heels to pull his shirt over his head. I savored the way the pale moonlight washed over his scarred skin, and felt my mouth water at the sight of sculpted abdominals and his gleaming metal arm. He reached back to pull his long hair free and it tumbled over his shoulders; messy and shaggy and boyishly charming while he smirked at me as if he knew something I didn't. Those golden eyes, sharp as daggers, suddenly melted into molten softness casting over me. It should've been so different; our reunion was something I'd dreamed about almost every night. I pictured the beautiful things we'd say and do, but it was never like this. I'd never imagined it could be under these circumstances. He must've noticed me lost in thought because he crawled over me again and hovered above me with his weight on one arm to softly run his fingers through my hair, and I died of happiness under the warmth of his touch. He leaned close.

"How can you think you're not right for me? You saved my life." He rested his forehead against mine. "No one else could ever be better for me, and even if they were I wouldn't want them. I love you. I want you."

He kissed me again and my heart soared as we made quick work of the rest of our clothes and savored the delicious taste of each others skin. His hands were a marvel in more ways than one; every touch and every stroke made my body scream with want while simultaneously sighing in delight at the warmth of his palm and the roughness of his fingers. Sweet euphoria seemed to sweat from my every pore as he readied himself at my entrance, but stopped and eyed me nervously.

"You still on the pill?"

I nodded as I let out a frustrated whimper, silently begging him to shut up and take me. He wasted no more time and slid himself home, eliciting breathy sighs from each of us as he pressed a hand under my knee to gain a deeper angle and kept moving. I clung to him desperately as my long legs wrapped around him and I kissed him, feeling him drive even deeper as his metal hand tangled into my hair.

The heat from our bodies would eventually warm the frigidity of his steel limbs, not that they ever bothered me. I was turned on by how strong he was despite his circumstances. How he'd risen above what King Bradley's scientists has built him for to find a purpose, and had created a life for himself that protected humanity from so much evil. Despite the awful destruction his limbs were built for, he'd mastered them to a point where he would never hurt me wether we were fucking each other hard enough to break furniture or he was loving me so carefully as though I were made of glass.

Tonight was somewhere between the two, where the high points would come with bursts of speed and hot, sweaty skin slipping against each other with hair pulling and name calling and neck biting before cascading into soft valleys of sweet whispers and treasured gazes; warm caresses with hushed "I love you's" and passionate, toe-curling kisses. When he finally sent me sky-rocketing into the heavens the force was strong enough to reduce all feeling in my limbs to pins and needles and wetness sprang to my eyes as I lay heaving underneath him, waiting for my mind to clear and my muscles to unclench. I opened my tired, half-lidded eyes to find glowing gold pouring over me before he squeezed his eyes shut and took his final thrusts.

"...Fuck... Oh fuck, Winry..."

He groaned as he finished and we collapsed in a heap of tangled limbs and twisted bed sheets.

* * *

><p>My eyes fluttered open to sunlight pouring in the windows, illuminating a sight I rarely got to see: Edward sleeping in. Ed usually woke up by 5am like clockwork to go for a run before heading to the gym to lift weights with Havoc and Major Armstrong. He was always up before me and rarely let himself sleep past 7 at the latest. I took the opportunity to let my eyes wash over his features and I marveled at the way the sunlight gleamed off his tousled, long strands of gold. He would've looked so serene and ethereal if it weren't for the permanent alertness in his face. Even sleeping it seemed as though he had tabs on every movement around him, and it made me wonder if he ever achieved truly restful REM sleep.<p>

His skin was slightly tanned from his months under the Arabian sun, and dark stubble revealed evidence of his indifference for putting himself back together. Shadows still curved under his eyes from lack of rest, and I was sure all the drama wasn't helping. My moment of peaceful admiration came to a halt when his eyes snapped open, seizing me in his golden glare before he softened and the corner of his sculpted mouth curled up into a devilish smirk.

"Good morning." I whispered to him as I pulled the blankets up around my shoulders to shield myself from the chilled air. He took notice of my movements and slid himself over my body, encasing me in his natural warmth as his head dipped and I felt soft, warm kisses being pressed into my neck and jawline.

"Ed?" I said curiously, wondering what was happening in his mind and wishing we could get breakfast to talk about things. He seemed to read my mind as he slid a warm hand up my side and pressed a soft kiss to my lips, gave a small shake of his head and with eyes closed murmured,

"Still not talking." He moved his attention back to my neck, where he knew I'd be reduced to putty in his hands, and softly nipped at my skin as I exhaled and parted my legs to pull him closer. The familiar feeling of blooming warmth unfurled in my chest as my arms slid around him, and he kissed me deeply, fully invading me with his dominance as he craned my head back and loomed over me for deeper access while my arms slid around him. Dr. Marcoh's theory floated into the forefront of my mind, and I realized he was right. Ed wouldn't have come after me if he no longer wanted me in his life. All thought process was immediately snuffed out when Edward groaned and dragged his hips hard against me, silently dictating exactly how our day would begin. Who was I to get in the way of a man on a mission?

* * *

><p>We collapsed together side by side and fought to catch our breath before blinking our eyes open a few moments later to look at each other. My gaze fell to the juncture of his neck and shoulder and my mouth fell open a little as I reached up and ran my fingers over the small purple bruise. He hooked a steel finger over the sheets I held across me and pulled the edge down a bit to survey my chest, and as my gaze cast down I was met with two equally purple little bruises on the top of my right breast. As our eyes locked again we broke into grins, which quickly turned into us laughing like teenagers at the sophomoric hickeys we'd left on each other.<p>

It felt so good to laugh with him again, and he pulled me to prop myself over him as he lied back and supported me loosely with a warm hand smoothed over my back. His automail arm craned back to support his head as he gave me a warm smile and asked,

"How do you feel?" I traced little circles on his smooth chest in contemplation before responding,

"Unwound. Good job, Elric." I said with a grin, throwing back to the time when I still referred to him by his last name. He sent me a meaningful look and held my gaze as his hand moved to take mine, and he pressed his mouth to my knuckles.

"Only the best, Rocky." It was so like him to be a smart-ass while simultaneously being sweet and romantic. We lived in the quiet happiness for a moment longer before he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and quietly said,

"I never slept with Lust."

I paused, letting his words wash over me and recalling what Riza had said. His eyes did not read as that of a man who'd had enough of me, of a man who'd become bored or irrevocably frustrated with coming to my rescue. I could see the intensity in his smoldering expression and his concern for not just protecting my physical well-being, but for being the savior of my souring heart, with it's mold grown on the inside from the absense of him and the tortuous suspicions that picked away at my soul like vultures on a carcass. I leaned forward to kiss him softly before telling him to just start at the beginning.

* * *

><p>"Hey don't steal the last pork dumpling." He said while snatching at it with his chopsticks. We'd pulled on some clothes and ordered from Seamless while he told me about his mission, how he didn't call because of how hard it was to be away and his concern for possibly losing concentration on the task at hand. He pulled his black pants back on -sans underwear or shirt- and stuck his gun in his waistband not caring that it was showing when the delivery arrived and he made the delivery guy very nervous upon accepting our Chinese food.<p>

I took in the lovely view of lean muscles and low-riding tight pants and stayed in bed with the sheets pooled around my waist, wearing Ed's long sleeve black shirt because he'd destroyed mine the night before. I swam in the shirt and the wide neckline fell dangerously low on my chest making me feel playful and powerful and sexy, and I made a mental note to wear Ed's clothes more often. He descended back onto the mattress with me and we dug into the bag of food as he told me about what lead Lust to her betrayal, stopping once to kiss me chastely when he saw my face burn red with anger at his mention of Lust coming on to him. He explained the threat Sloth made against me and why he sent Lust packing early as well as the many grueling hours he'd spent infiltrating Sloth's compound before learning about and destroying the missiles.

"That's when I called." He said, setting down his half empty carton of brown rice. "I didn't know if I was going to be successful, and I needed to hear your voice just incase I wasn't." I sat in awe of his story, and needed to blink back prickling moisture. I slid my focus to his pretty eyes and saw the way they'd glazed over suddenly. I'd seen that look on him before, it was a telltale sign of stress forcing the memories of his difficult life and dangerous work to the forefront of his thoughts, and I placed a hand on his arm supportively as I waited for him to rejoin me in the present. We were on our stomachs propped up on elbows and when he blinked back to reality he turned to me.

"I was terrified that I'd lose you. Now I feel like despite the mission's success, I've still failed you."

"No you haven't," I implored,"If anyone failed it was me. I should have given you a chance to explain. I honestly felt in my gut that something was wrong, but when she came and said that you slept together... My whole world came crashing down. I believed her because I thought you didn't love me anymore."

Edward shook his head.

"That could never happen. I'll never EVER stop loving you. You've become my link back to the humanity I'd lost. I can't survive without you, and I wouldn't want to." He pulled me closer to rest his forehead on mine as gold poured into blue. "Crazy woman. I love, and love, and love you."

I blushed and smiled, and he grinned seeing how he still had that effect on me. Pushing himself up to sit back on his heels he began to pull his long, messy hair into its usual ponytail and I was gifted the beautiful sight of taught lean muscle as he flashed that deadly smile at me. I made no effort to hide how much I was turned on by him and he dropped his arms to reach for me.

"I gotta get back to Central before Roy starts blowing up my phone. Do you have another shirt? I'll need that one back." I stood up and smiled, feeling a bit saucy as I grabbed the hem and pulled the shirt up and off. His eyes glazed over like a happy dog laying on a heated blanket after a steak dinner.

"Do you really have to go right now?" I asked coyly, being the ultimate tease and feeling awesome about it. His head lilted to the side as he basked in my nakedness with a wistful look.

"Unfortunately." He said shaking his head as he took his black shirt and pulled it on. "So are we okay? Are you coming home tonight?" I nodded as he pulled on his boots, and then dropped to his knees in front of me to grab my hips. Pulling me forward, he planted a kiss on the hem of my blue, cheeky lace panties before sliding his hands higher and kissing my ribcage. His hands continued to slide up my back and he pulled me into him to place a kiss on my breasts, my chest, my neck, before carefully taking my face in his mismatched hands and giving the same attention to my lips.

"Wow," I said after he broke away. "You're being extra wonderful today."

"Making up for lost time." He responded warmly. "Come home now."

"I've got some things to take care of, bringing stuff back to Gran's house. I'll be back tonight around 6 or 7ish."

He grabbed his phone and his keys, and squeezed my hand.

"I'll be waiting.

* * *

><p>AN: thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, it means the world to me. To respond to a reviewer, I really appreciate that you feel I've accurately captured how it feels to wait for a loved one to return from tour of duty. I come from a military family and grew up on a military base that Central often reminds me of, and while we were blessed that my father never had to go to war, I clearly remember how it felt to have him gone for months at a time, and I remember friends and neighbors who would go to war and come back empty shells of the people they once were. I tried very hard to be respectful and somewhat realistic of such an emotional hardship. I'm going away for about a week and won't be able to update until I return, so thank you all for bearing with me and thank you for reading and reviewing.


	11. Chapter 11

Loving you was like going to war;

I never came back the same. - Warsan Shire

* * *

><p>I opened the door to Granny Pinako's house and shuffled myself in with my box of clothes and books and kicked the front door shut behind me. The quiet of her spotless home was comforting and the smell of motor oil in the air reminded me of her. I set the box down to make myself some tea, and as I waited for the tea to steep I thought about the previous few days.<p>

A large part of me felt silly for believing Lust so easily, but on the other hand I was still very angry at Ed for not making any attempt to get ahold of me for three months. Not only did it hurt like hell, but it was goddamn irresponsible. We were supposed to be a team, we were supposed to take care of each other. Even though we both knew I was in Central, it wasn't an impenetrable fortress; something could have happened and he never would've known because he didn't even bother to ask anyone how I was. How could he find it ridiculous for me to believe Lust after his attitude became so ...indifferent?

Sure, I believe that he loved me, but as I sipped my peppermint tea I felt my cheeks become heated from something else: that anger that I clung to so well. Even after the previous night and that morning, I still felt largely unconvinced that I could give Ed what he needs, and how did I know this wouldn't happen again the next time he went away? I wouldn't tolerate being left at home to wait and wonder while he called his brother or anyone else for that matter instead of me. I was still hurting. He couldn't just charge in with those glowing eyes and devious smirk and charm me back to his side. He needed to understand how I felt, otherwise this could happen again out of sheer incomprehension. I needed one more day away to myself to think clearly about things, but I also didn't want him to think I was giving up, so with irritation humming in my chest I unlocked my phone and called him.

*Hey.*

"Hey, I'm not sure I'll be back tonight. I need more time to think about things. I just wanted you to know so you don't worry." I said. The line fell quiet and all I could hear was his slightly labored breathing. He was probably in the gym.

*I thought we were okay.* He said, dropping his voice low so others wouldn't hear. I twisted a lock of hair around my fingers nervously, it killed me to hear him sound worried but I had to be firm. I would not just push this all under the rug like nothing happened. I believed him that he didn't sleep with Lust, but that didn't excuse ignoring me for so long.

"We are, I think. I just need some more time alone to form a plan."

*A plan for what?*

"For talking about things. When I'm around you it's hard to breathe or think and then you smile at me and start being charming and I completely forget about my side of the argument. It's not fair."

I heard him sigh on the other end. *I thought we sorted this out. I didn't sleep with her, babe. I swear I didn't touch her.*

"That's not what I'm talking about." I responded, now pacing the room to burn off nervous energy. I felt what I really wanted to say festering deep in my stomach, and reminding myself that Earnest Hemingway said to write hard and clear about what hurts, I decided to be hard and clear with Edward.

"You completely ignored me for three months. I'm really angry with you."

*Win, I told you why I didn't call.*

"I could be understanding about it being hard for you, but you called your brother and sister-in-law and never asked how I was. I would understand if you didn't have a civilian line, but you did. It's fucking bullshit and I don't deserve it. I'm not coming home tonight, I'll let you know if I'm coming home tomorrow."

The line went silent again, and I could almost feel his anger radiating from the other end.

*What do you want me to say here?* He responded irritably. *Nothing I say is gonna go back in time and fix it.*

I exploded.

"How about starting with I'M SORRY?!" And with that, I hung up and threw my phone across the room.

* * *

><p>That night I stood under the scalding water and tried to suppress the urge to shatter the tiled walls with my steel fist. It had been a long time since I was so angry at myself, last time being the night she first saw what my metal appendages were capable of when I strangled her in my sleep and later went on a mass killing spree right in front of her without thinking. My temper had always been my problem; I was a relatively calm and easy-going person, but once a button was pushed you might as well consider the button slammed down with excessive force and stuck there. I was stubborn just like her, and hated admitting I was wrong just like her.<p>

The night Kimblee took her from me gave way to rage I hadn't felt since waking up on an operating table when I was a kid with missing limbs and no memory. That anger festered until I found her at the Pier being beaten and drained of her blood by King Bradley, and despite Roy and Riza's attempts to keep me under control and not blow their cover, seeing her lying there completely helpless and terrified pissed me off way more than finding out Bradley was responsible for ruining my life.

My mind was flooded with images of the frigid warehouse only warmed by the raging fires Roy had set to destroy Bradley's work, and the way the former Secretary of Defense seemed so damn proud of himself for making me miserable all over again. Watching him torture Winry made me realize that my past no longer mattered; that the only thing I gave a damn about was saving her, because while Bradley had long-since taken my will to live, Winry had given me a reason to keep going.

I stepped out of the shower and pulled a towel around my waist as I exited the bathroom. The bedroom still had evidence of her everywhere: her silk robe hanging on the back of the door, a stack of books on her nightstand, one of her many collected teacups left on my dresser with a faint dried ring at the bottom and a soft pink lip print on the rim. I missed her.

As I pulled on some dark grey sweats and a black tshirt I thought back to the first time I had to leave her after abandoning all will power and having my way with her, even though it was strictly prohibited. Walking out on her afterward and knowing she'd wake up the next day hating me only made me despise myself even more, because that was the night that I realized I wasn't just attracted to her, I hadn't merely grown fond of her, I'd fallen in awful, horrible love with her and I officially couldn't be saved.

I shook a towel over my damp hair before lighting a cigarette and heading out to the kitchen to pour myself some scotch, and let my thoughts marinate in the concept of abandonment. I had abandoned her once, leaving her with Riza to keep her safe, and as I took that first warm sip of amber and ashed into the kitchen sink it struck me that Winry wasn't mad simply because I didn't call. It went far deeper than that and I suddenly realized how much of an idiot I'd been for not picking up on it sooner. A few more drags killed the my cigarette, and I took the half empty box and buried it in the back of the closet. I'd largely quit smoking after Winry and I got together, and only felt tempted very occasionally during times of extreme stress, but I hoped to some day be able to handle stress without the help of nicotine. For now it was a good thing, because it was keeping me away from the more illegal substances I used to buy in dark alleys.

It was 10:30, and I was feeling antsy. Usually around this time we'd be winding down for the evening, either watching tv or reading, and maybe fool around for a bit before lights out. I hated being alone in the apartment again, the way I was before she came along. She made it somewhere I was glad to be, somewhere I could be comfortable and look forward to returning to, instead of just somewhere to lay my head at night. My eyeline fell back towards our bedroom, and inspiration surged within me. There was a high probability my plan would backfire, but if it worked, it could finally make her understand how much she meant to me. I smirked a little and swirled my scotch in it's glass as I took out my phone and called her. She answered on the fourth ring.

*Hi,* she murmured softly. I had woken her up. *What's up?*

"Please come home. I miss you Winry."

*I miss you too.* She said, unable to mask the sadness in her voice and it instantly turned my stomach. *Are you alright?*

I knocked back the rest of my whiskey. "I've been better. I really hate not having you here. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, go ahead and be mad at me, but please come back tonight. If you still need some time alone I can crash in the barracks and give the new recruits a good scare."

She gave a small laugh, sparking the tiniest bit of hope in me.

*You don't have to do that. I'll come over tomorrow okay? I promise.*

"Winry..." I paused, somewhat at a loss for words before taking a breath. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm begging here. Please come to Central. I've barely slept a wink since you left, I won't have to worry about you if I know you're here. Please." I could almost sense her twisting her shirt fabric as the line went quiet while she considered my plea.

*Alright.* She sighed. *I'll come back tonight. But I should warn you now that I'm tired and cranky and generally unpleasant. I'm still mad and I don't wanna talk about this tonight.*

I couldn't help beaming at the thought of her coming back, and found myself nodding in agreement and she laid down the ground rules. I didn't care, she could do whatever the hell she wanted as long as she was coming home.

*Don't drive if you're tired, I'll come get you.*

*I'm awake now, but listen I'm serious when I say there'll be no 'shenanigans' tonight. Don't bat those pretty eyes at me and try to charm your way into my pants, I'm not falling for it Elric. You're on my shit list.*

I loved the sound of her trying to boss me around. It was adorable and also a little hot, but I could control myself.

*I'll be there in 20 minutes.* She said.

"Alright, drive careful and I'll see you soon. And I'll behave myself, no funny business, I swear."

As I hung up I smirked, and looked at the crossed fingers on my left hand.

"Oops, guess I lied." And I made my way to the bedroom to get ready.

* * *

><p>I rolled into the parking garage and powered down after parking next to Ed's Aston Martin. Just looking at that car reminded me of the charming smart-ass waiting for me upstairs, and I rubbed my exhausted eyes and yawned as I angled out of my car.<p>

"No bullshit." I muttered to myself as I made my way for the elevator and hugged my sweater around me. "Just say hello and go to bed. Don't allow him to be all handsome and wonderful."

I walked out onto Central's ground floor and made my way past the desks and offices towards the set of elevators leading to the rest of the building, and pushed '503' into the keypad on the last elevator. Breathing deeply as the doors opened, my heart began to flutter; I was honestly excited to see Ed. I always felt myself light up like a Christmas tree whenever he walked in the room, and I wanted to resolve this mess. Ed wasn't an unreasonable guy, if I remained firm and made him understand how I felt, I knew we could get past this because it seemed like he wanted to make this work as much as I did.

I watched the numbers climb as the elevator bypassed every floor before stopping at seven, and the door opened with a resounding ping. The lights were low when I walked in, and I set down my keys and messenger bag on the kitchen island as I caught Ed from the corner of my eye sauntering towards me. My face flushed a bit when I turned to find him in those damn grey sweats and a fitted black tee, looking amazing as ever as he grinned at me.

"Hey you." He said devilishly as he pulled me close and kissed me. I felt my insides turning to mush and snapped out of it, committing myself to standing my ground.

"Come on Ed I'm tired. I said no messing around tonight." His face softened but his gaze held on me, and he rendered me completely speechless as he took my hand, stepped back, and sank to one knee.

"I know," he said. "I'm not messing around either."

He dug in his pocket, and pulled out a ring.

* * *

><p>AN: sorry it took me so long to update, I needed the perfect setup. Thank you for reading and reviewing, more soon.


	12. Chapter 12

I love your rough edges

and soft parts that bleed.

The ruins of your soul

are poetry to me.

- Anita Krizzan

* * *

><p>The warmth of his body eased me into consciousness and kept me feeling safe. I shivered a little and shrank deeper in bed to feel his chest flush against my back, his radiating warmth comforting me. The past three months had spread me thinner than I realized, and I had forgotten how Ed's presence could be a roller coaster of emotion. I had gone from worried and suspicious, to lonely and depressed, to heartbroken and betrayed before he returned home and spun me right back into loving him more than anything all over again. When I came back to Central I was sleep-deprived, stressed out, and still angry with him. I'd expected him to try to slay me with his gorgeous smile and those wolf eyes; his favorite way to avoid confrontation with me was by peeling my clothes off and throwing me down on the bed, couch, kitchen island, etc. In a million years I never expected him to propose to me, at least not now. We never talked about it, he never mentioned the idea of marriage. We just went about our lives day by day because our relationship was so unusual, we didn't plan for the future like normal couples. We never talked about weddings, children, nothing. We were more in-the-moment, so when he kneeled and presented me with a ring my breathing stopped, my head swam, and I blacked out.<p>

I wasn't sure what time it was, but when I opened my eyes and blinked to adjust to the darkness the memories of what had happened flooded back. Was he just being in-the-moment? I loved Ed's spontaneity, but my gut reaction of over-whelming happiness was immediately clobbered by the realization that he was only proposing to shut me up and make me happy. It was like dysfunctional couples who are foolish enough to believe having children will stop their fighting and fix their problems. Covering up your issues doesn't mean they aren't there, and they'll lay dormant before suddenly erupting one day out of nowhere and causing irreparable damage. I shifted to get more comfortable, and felt him stir behind me as a warm arm slid around and he pulled me against him.

"Are you awake?" I whispered. I heard no response besides a low groan and his strong arm curled around me tighter. I listened to the sound of his steady breathing before shifting again to turn myself and face him. His eyes were closed, but he was cognizant with his metal arm tucked up under his pillow. I reached up and with a barely there touch I traced the little scars that slashed across his shoulders and neck, before settling on one that cut through his eyebrow. I secretly loved it, the way it added to his rugged appearance. Such a tough guy, yet so sensitive about scars that in my eyes only added to his beauty for the life story they told. I felt his hand press the small of my back, pressing me closer as my fingers laced through his long hair. Even though we had unresolved issues, just being with him in comfortable silence made me feel like everything was fine. No matter what happened, we'd be okay. I felt a peace and comfort I hadn't had since before losing my parents, and as a tear fell slowly I realized that I really wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to marry Edward.

I wasn't sure if it was my uneven breathing or my little sniffle, but he must've noticed in his semi-concious state that I was crying, because his eyes slid open slowly and remained hooded and sleepy-looking as he gazed back at me. He furrowed a brow, silently questioning my quiet tears as I swiped at my eyes and bit my lip nervously. I didn't know what to say, how to start, I didn't even have a complete memory of how I'd gotten into bed. He let out a tired sigh through his nose and finally spoke.

"What now?" He asked softly. I shook my head dismissively as though I were fine, and he sent me a skeptical look in the darkness. "First you pass out," he murmured. "Now you're crying." He laced his fingers through my hair and stroked my scalp lovingly as he pulled me to him and I folded into his arms. His skin was hot like always, and baby smooth in the spaces between the scars. I loved that he let me trace them with my fingertips. He used to hate it, but when he realized it had somehow become almost therapeutic for me to focus my attention with such detail and carefully run my fingers over the marred flesh, it in turn became like therapy for him and he'd become far less concerned about his scars. You could almost say he liked them now, or at least they'd finally served a greater purpose than the painful lessons they taught. After a few minutes of me gliding my fingers along the little lines on his back, I felt him shift to look down at me as I kept my face buried in his chest. The soft thumping of his heart was possibly what I missed the most while he was gone, or the deep rumble from his chest as he spoke low and soft to me when we'd make love, or the way everything felt better just knowing he was next to me. After I started medical testing for the military, he was the first person to truly help me feel that I wasn't alone. Having him in my home made me feel more at ease than I ever had, and moving in to his apartment made me happy and comfortable even when he wasn't around.

The last three months had been a nightmare because I was terrified of losing him not only to his usual enemies, but to a far less conspicuous adversary who came dressed as something so many men desired. My little tracings stopped when a thought crossed my mind. If I lost Edward to a mission -God forbid- I would at least be able to attach some sense to it. If he slipped through my grasp because of another woman, I would spend the rest of my life crushed under the weight of the same question: Why? Why on Earth would I lose him to another woman because of her beauty when I was uncommonly beautiful myself? Why would he want another woman's quirks if he'd already taken the time to learn and understand mine? Why would he leave me for someone who could take care of themselves when it's in his nature to be a protector? It was simple. He wouldn't. Dr. Marcoh was right; Edward would never stop being my protector because it's what he's needed in his life all along. It's the reason he became a State Alchemist. He needed to serve a purpose greater than destruction. He wanted to be a force for good, and protecting me from the destructive parts of his life fed the positive side of him. I was so stupid to ever think we were wrong for each other; I needed someone to make me feel safe and whole and not alone, and he needed someone to protect and cherish and give him a reason to come home. When we met, we were both lonely. We were both miserable and not admitting it to ourselves. He made me brave, I made him good, and together we made each other better people. No one on earth could be a better fit for either of us.

"Ask me again." I whispered. He stilled for a moment before pulling back to look at me curiously.

"I didn't get to ask you the first time. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head before I could get a word out." This earned genuine grins from both of us and he laced his fingers with mine. "I'm not gonna ask you again tonight. I've had enough excitement."

I found myself pouting, and moved a small strand of hair that had fallen into his eyes. "You didn't buy that ring today did you? I don't want you marrying me just because of this week." His eyes seemed to flicker with mirth when he said,

"I bought that ring 6 months ago. I wanted to ask you then, but I got my orders not long after and it just didn't feel like the right time." My mouth fell open in shock. I really had worried for nothing. Fucking NOTHING. He seemed to be able to read my mind and he laughed.

"I've told you a thousand times, Win. You're my girl." He kissed me chastely before adding, "I'm sorry for everything."

"Is this why you were being so tight-lipped and sneaky before you left?"

"Partially." He responded. "I was trying to decide if I should ask you before leaving, but it never felt right because you found out about Major Lust and then everything kind of… imploded."

"Why did you try to hide her from me? That's really what started all this. I wouldn't have become suspicious if you weren't sneaking around." I said. He gathered me into his arms again and sighed.

"I was only trying to prevent ALL of this. I knew I'd been quiet and it was worrying you, and I couldn't tell you much about the mission at first, so I knew if you saw Lust you'd probably freak out and I didn't want to make things worse for you. It all blew up in my face. I'm really sorry babe." I latched my arms around him supportively, letting him know that I was okay now, and I decided to give it another shot. I pulled back and gazed up at him.

"Ask me again. Please."

His golden eyes danced back and forth across mine and his breath caught for a moment before he relaxed and gave a small shake of his head.

"No. Not now. I'm actually kind of glad you passed out earlier, because that wasn't how I wanted to ask you anyway." He pulled the blanket up over my shoulders and hunkered down as I turned with my back against his warm chest and he curled his arm around me so we could sleep again.

"So when are you gonna ask me then?" I said.

"I'm not sure." He said, "But I'll say one thing, when it comes, it's gonna knock you on your ass, Rockbell."

I got the best sleep I'd had in months.

* * *

><p>Ten of the meanest mugs I'd ever squared off with were glaring at me at once, and for the first time in my life I couldn't be happier about it. They were confused as fuck, and I was was sitting pretty at the head of a long conference table with a scotch in my hand and a smirk on my face. I had been trying to plan this little get-together for months, but my little trip to the sandbox had derailed it until now. It took an awful lot of careful negotiating and insistent white-flag waving on our part to get ten high-power criminals to meet with the military, but Mustang had more than once proved himself capable of weaving miracles and it brought us to a dark lounge located deep in the underbelly of a Russian night club on the Lower East Side. Exposed brick walls were painted vermilion and the floors and ceilings were black. Lighting was low, corners were dark, the only background noise being the low thumping from the club above ground. I had watched from the shadows as our guests slowly arrived, entering the private room looking alert, suspicious, and irritated. Some of them knew each other and were friendly, others not as much, but Roy was in the room and informed them to take their seats at the long mahogany table as wait staff began pouring drinks. When I finally emerged their faces lit with alarm and they all instinctively reached for their guns and aimed them in my direction, but I laughed and adjusted the cuff of my right sleeve casually.<p>

"Gentlemen please, there's no need for any fighting tonight. This is strictly business, and I'm not here to cause problems. Can we put the guns away please?"

"You expect us to trust you?" Said the gruff voice of Issac Macdougal, a mob king operating out of Moscow. He became known as The Freezer for his calling card: leaving his victims frozen in a block of ice. "You've made life very difficult for everyone here. Give me one reason I shouldn't kill you where you stand."

He had a fair point well made. I had meddled in all their affairs more than once, but never shut any of them down completely because they weren't considered a matter of national security and after dealing with international terrorists all the time I frankly didn't have time or patience for mobsters. The only reason I was entertaining these clowns with expensive liquor and Kobe beef was because I wanted something.

"Honestly Issac, I mean no harm tonight. You all know what I'm capable of," I said, addressing the room. "If I was luring you here to kill you, you'd all be dead by now. Put the guns away. Tonight we'll all have a civil gathering like men, because I need a favor." This earned some incredulous laughter and Issac took his seat along side the other scumbags as the wait staff started clipping cigars and I tried to ignore the eye rolling from the felons would couldn't believe what they were hearing.

"Why would any of us do you a favor?" Asked a man not much younger than myself. He was tall like me, had blonde hair like me, and for a short period of time was going around criminal circles trying to pass himself off as me so he could strong-arm his drug buyers into purchasing at triple the rate. I'd had my fun with illegal substances in the past, but I never dealed drugs to anyone ever. I may have been a messed up kid, but I had fucking morals and all it took was a couple broken knee-caps and a call to the local authorities to convince Russell to stop parading as the Fullmetal Alchemist. Russ was looking well, it had been 8 years since I'd exposed him and started keeping a permanent watchful eye on his operations. Did I like that I was letting drug dealings happen in the U.S.? No, but it wasn't like Russell was the only drug lord in the country and as long as his dealings stayed quiet, out of the tri-state and were only to legal adults, I wasn't going to waste much time with him. He wasn't a threat to National Security, so he wasn't my problem after I convinced him to stop using my name. But I made sure he understood that if I ever caught wind of him using minors for dealing, I'd put a bullet in his head. He didn't like me very much.

"Russ," I said calmly as I sipped my scotch and took as seat at the head of the table. "It would be in all of your best interests to hear me out and do exactly what I ask. Everyone will live much easier lives this way, trust me." He eyed me suspiciously and glanced around at a few of the others as Gus Carlitano entered the room. His face paled considerably upon seeing me and I rose from my seat with a genuine smile and moved to greet him.

"Gus! So glad you could make it." I said earnestly with a firm handshake. He looked bewildered and confused as I motioned him to take a seat and had a glass set in front of him as the server poured his drink of choice.

"Has my son done something?" He asked me warily. I quickly shook my head in reassurance.

"Not at all. He's become nothing but a bad memory, and I appreciate your continued cooperation in that matter."

"Why are we here?!" Issac the Freezer exclaimed impatiently. "Get to the point Fullmetal, I'm losing my patience." A series of curt nods followed from the other faces in the room, and I decided to stop stalling.

"Very well. Thank you all for coming. I won't keep you long, but feel free to indulge as much as you like. The bill is on me."

"We figured." Russell said. "What favor could you possibly need from any of us? I have a hard time believing you could be strapped for cash, and if the rumors are true, you definitely don't need my help finding quality narcotics. Don't tell me you need help with having someone whacked." I smiled and shook my head.

"You're right. I don't need cash, and I always managed to find my own drugs back when I still indulged." A few sets of eyebrows raised fractionally at the discovery that the rumors were true and I was, in fact, not a bastion of saintly goodness. "And make no mistake, gentlemen. I'll never need anyone else to do my dirty work for me." I said, casting a brief but serious look over the room. "Like I said, I'm not looking to stir up trouble. I'm looking to keep the peace, like I always am. Only this time, I'm asking nicely."

Ten sets of eyes blinked back at me, waiting for me to start making sense. I opened the cream manila folder that lay on the table in front of me and took a second to pour my eyes over the 8 x 10 image inside, reminding myself that as crazy as this all was, it was the right thing to do. I pulled out the photo and held it up.

"I'm going to pass around this photo for you all to see. Burn this image into your memories, because none of you will be receiving a copy and none of you will ever see this photo or any others like it ever again." I forced myself to hand the photo to my left, and as it slowly made its way down one side of the table and up the other side to return to me, I noticed the looks on their faces. The glazed over eyes. The slackened jaws. The way some of them loosened a button on their shirt collar or made eye contact with their neighbor in a mutual expression of impressed disbelief. I could feel the comments coming, and as the photo slid back over the table to rest in front of me again a small part of me became nauseous knowing that some of the sickest fucks I'd had the misfortune of dealing with on a semi-average basis now knew the secret to my complete undoing.

"If any of you encounter this woman, if you see her, if any of your acquaintances see her, it would be wise to go the other way immediately. Don't approach her, don't speak to her, don't make eye contact with her. If she crosses your path, walk away." I forewarned.

"Not a chance, Elric." Russell commented boisterously. "That's a fine piece of ass, you can drop her on my doorstep any day." Some hoots and wolf whistles followed as the photo was pulled away from its spot on the table in front of me and was being passed around again like the latest issue of Hustler in a high-school boy's locker room. The only person who seemed as unamused as I was Gus Carlitano, whose grave look was clear evidence of him reliving the memories of me teaching his son an important lesson about respect and boundaries. I knocked back the rest of my scotch to steel my growing irritation.

"Focus people." I barked impatiently as I slammed my empty glass down on the table immediately bringing the attention back on myself. "I'm telling you all to steer clear of the woman in this photo. Do what I say, and we won't have any problems. It's very simple." Just then Issac Macdougal took a puff on his cigar and laughed at me.

"Why should I take advice from the man who orders scotch in a Russian bar?" I moved around the table to retrieve the photo and slide it back into it's folder as I slid my eyes toward Issac.

"Because your peace-of-mind depends on it, and vodka makes me very mean." Everyone in the room had previously experienced just how much of a dick I could really be; they were smart to stay calm and not compromise their safety by getting me worked up.

"What's with the girl?" Someone else asked. "Who is she?"

"Don't worry about it." I said, getting mildly heated but reminding myself to remain calm.

"Why should we stay away from her?" Another voice asked. Here it was, the moment of no return, and I took a breath before saying,

"Because the woman in this photo is strictly off limits. Anyone who approaches her will find themselves number one on my priority list."

I was met with dumbfounded stares, which I was suspecting. My gaze briefly connected with Roy, who stood in the shadows at the back of the room largely ignored by our disgruntled guests. This meeting was proving itself more difficult for me than I originally thought it would be. It was hard enough showing them all the photo of Winry I'd snapped from a distance without her knowledge as she crossed 44th street on her way to the library, with the sun in her windblown hair and her long legs in full stride as her sundress whipped around her hips. She was a breathtaking as ever, and now some of the worst lowlifes imaginable had drank in the image of her and I could only pray that I'd made them fear me enough in the past to ensure her safety for the future.

"You all have people in your lives that are protected from the harsh realities of your business, and I'm no different." I elaborated as I returned to my seat and lit a cigarette. I was far beyond stressed out.

"What makes her so special?" Asked the Freezer. I pulled on my cigarette and ashed in the tray beside me.

"She's a government employee, and extremely valuable. She's not a soldier, she's not an assassin, she poses no threat to any of you in any way. All I'm asking is if you see her, leave her alone."

"This seems personal. You hitting that?" He said. I suddenly found myself incredibly annoyed.

"I'm marrying that." I snapped. You could've heard a pin drop as they all gaped at me. I stood and poured myself another scotch before slowly walking around the room as I addressed them all.

"I know what you're all thinking. Bullshit right? Fullmetal would never get tied down."

"You're a goddamn animal." Russell interrupted. "I heard you've thrown people off the tops of buildings. Fuck, you tied one of my dealers to a fire escape and left twelve hypodermic needles sticking out of his stomach. There's also a rumor you killed the Secretary of Defense." I couldn't stop my smirk as I thought back to my late teens when I was especially wild and hadn't started working exclusively in counter-terrorism units yet. My main focus then was eliminating drug and organized crime rings, and being hopped up on a fair amount cocaine myself, I had a tendency to be a bit mid-evil when dealing with lowlifes. "The shit you've done?" He continued incredulously. "You really expect us to believe some bitch would hitch herself to you? Why are we here?! What the fuck do you want?!"

"I told you. I want you all to consider this woman 'off limits'. She knows nothing about what I really do, and has no idea who any of you are. I may be a 'goddamn animal', but I've never approached your brother Fletcher, or harmed Doreen Carlitano, I've never been within a mile range of Issac's daughter, and I've never even seen the rest of your old ladies." I said to the room. "That's right, you're all a bunch of animals too and I know you're all married so don't act like it's such a fucking shock for me. I operate the same way you do. Your women don't know about the people you kill in the name of your pride or the almighty dollar, and my girl doesn't know about the people I kill for the sake of protecting the United States. We keep our fucked-up world to ourselves and we don't drag in those not involved. Anytime you guys do, I come knocking. So if you want to see less of me, don't approach the woman in the photo. Gus Carlitano learned this the hard way." I said, my eyes connecting with Gus who's gaze was down-turned at the table. He knew what would happen if Pitt ever came near Winry again.

"And what if I don't give a fuck?" Basque Grande asked with a sick lick of his lips. Basque Grande was a gun runner who controlled most of the underground weapons distribution on the east coast. Local authorities had never been able to arrest him because of lack of evidence, and it wasn't until his right hand was caught in a sting operation attempting to sell weapons to Al Queda supporters living stateside that I was finally brought in to shut down his operation. When I finally tracked him down in a seedy motel in Atlantic City, the screaming woman in his room added rape to his wrap sheet but he made a plea deal with the city and was out of jail within 5 years for ratting out some of his suppliers. "What if I decide I wanna pay her a friendly visit?" He said. The room went silent again as the tension spiked, and I threw down my drink and my cigarette to stride over to him before lashing out and seizing his throat in a steel vice grip.

"Let me be clear." I growled as he tried frantically to pry my metal hand from his throat. "Stay away from Winry Rockbell. I'll be watching all of you, and if I catch any of you going anywhere near her, I'll kill you." I let him go and he coughed as sputtered before leveling a gun at me. I stood my ground and glared at him.

"Don't push your luck, Basque. I've already got enough problems keeping my fiancée out of harms way, don't go stirring the pot and adding your name to my list of people to reduce to a bloody pulp. That goes for everyone here."

* * *

><p>The apartment was dark when I returned home around 3am, and I pulled the black tie from my neck before popping the button on my collar and removing my jacket after. I was exhausted and stressed as I moved to the walk in closet to remove the rest of my black-on-black suit and pull on some sweats, and contemplated sleeping on the couch just incase I PTSD'd all over the place and had a night terror. I always worried about sleeping next to Winry for the possibility that I may lash out in my sleep and hurt her, and after the evening I'd had I decided I wasn't messing around and I moved to the bedroom to grab my pillow and retire to the sofa. I paused for a moment to watch her sleeping and brushed my lips over her brow before turning to leave, but was stopped when I felt myself being pulled back. Her hand was on my artificial wrist and her sleepy eyes were worried.<p>

"Where were you?" She asked.

"Working late. You don't wanna know."

"Are you not staying here?" She asked as her eyes fell to the pillow tucked under my arm.

"It's been a difficult night. I'm gonna crash in the living room just to be safe. Go back to sleep." I squeezed her hand reassuringly and kissed her before leaving and shut the door behind me. I tried to tread softly to reduce the noise my metal foot made on wooden floors as I moved to the great room's sitting area and chucked my pillow on the couch. I was too amped up. My mind was drained but my body was anxious and I knew if I didn't burn off some of the energy I'd pass out only to wake up screaming and gripping the couch cushions, so I dropped to the rug and started doing pushups as my mind wandered.

I'd left the underground club with Roy at 2 am after pleading my case to a bunch of psychotic criminals and then threatening to slaughter them all if they didn't follow my orders, the evening had gone far better than I'd expected, but it took a toll on me mentally and I was intensely weighing my options for a future with Winry. It had been 4 weeks since the proposal that left her unconscious in my arms, and I hadn't made any mention of marriage since. I asked her at the time because I was desperately trying to convince her that I didn't want anyone else in my life, and while that remained true, I still wasn't sure that marriage was a great idea. I had affairs to get in order and treacherous soldiers to see court-marshaled and mobsters to threaten before I could even consider getting myself in the frame of mind for committing myself to a life partner. It was fucking bizarre to me. I never believed I'd ever be in such a position. I still couldn't believe I'd bought a ring. I knew that Winry deserved a better life than the one I offered. She deserved to be with someone who wasn't flying out for months at a time, she deserved a life that didn't require Krav Maga training or target practice. She deserved to live in a home that didn't need a fully-stocked gun safe or the panic room I was planning to install. Even if I handed in my pocket watch and my gun tomorrow it wouldn't stop my enemies from wanting my blood, and they would use any means necessary to get it. Winry was a magnet for danger because of her misunderstood blood disorder and her unparalleled beauty, and if anyone with a sick mind crossed her path she was done for.

The only thing I offered her was protection, but I had to wonder if I was only bringing more trouble to the table. Mustang made an excellent point that making local scumbags aware of her importance to me would better protect her for the time-being, but that was only if they feared me enough to stay away from her. As the medical department at Central made advancements using her blood, she would eventually be revealed to the world as the person responsible for vaccinations we never thought we'd see in our lifetime. The thought of having that kind of spotlight shone on her was something I knew made her nervous, and I would never be confident or comfortable leaving her in anyone else's charge during a time when the world would know her name. As I crawled onto the sofa to finally rest for the night, I realized that it was stupid for me to even have this internal battle because I would never stop looking after her even if we weren't together anymore. It made no sense for us to break off our relationship because we'd both wind up miserable as a result. I closed my eyes, thought of her, and decided to stop arguing with myself. I loved Winry. I would never stop loving her. I would never stop protecting her. She had somehow found it in her to love me despite all my crazy, terrifying baggage and I simply couldn't see either of us functioning well without eachother. I was a mess, she was a mess. Together, we were one big happy mess. I liked the idea.

* * *

><p>I awoke to the sound of her humming in the kitchen. The air smelled like bacon and coffee, the lights were bright, and she sang happily to herself as she whisked what I could only suspect was pancake batter. I sat up on the couch and let my chin rest in my hand as I watched the way her hips swayed as she hummed. It was then that I noticed her macbook on the counter playing Queen at a low volume and I rose from my spot on the couch to cross the room and slide into a chair at the island. She spun around happily and winked at me as she kept whisking.<p>

"Hope you're hungry." She said, pouring out pools of batter on the hot pan. I nodded as I leaned on my forearms to gaze at her, and felt a surge in my chest. This was what we both needed. This was the key to everything. I couldn't stop my grin as she set a mug of coffee in front of me.

"What?" She asked, clearly confused by the ridiculous grin I was sporting. I pushed myself back and stood, taking the bowl of batter from her and setting it on the island beside me.

"Marry me." I said. Her mouth dropped open and her brow furrowed.

"Are you crazy? Did something happen last night? Did you get drunk? Are you still drunk now?"

"Not even a little." I said.

"You completely stopped talking about marriage. I figured it was off the table." She said with folded arms. I shook my head.

"It needed to be the right time. I woke up, saw you in here… and you're just amazing." She eyed me like I was nuts.

"It's just breakfast." She replied. I grinned again and took her hand, and reveled watching her face change from confusion to stunned shock as I sank to my knee and she realized I was serious.

"I want this. I want us, making breakfast, drinking coffee, everyday. You give me the one thing no one else ever has. Normalcy. You're the only thing in my life with any consistency. You keep me grounded. You make me feel human again. I would die for you, I would die without you. I never cared about my life before I met you. I was living for Riza and for Roy, but I never held value in my own life. Being with you everyday makes me want to live for me for the first time ever, because now I know what real happiness is. It's being here. Eating breakfast. With you." I felt my chest tighten as though it might burst from elated joy when I saw her beaming with tears in her eyes.

"I love you. I want this ordinary, normal, _amazing_ life with you everyday. Winry …will you marry me?" It was in that moment that I realized the ring was buried under papers in my nightstand drawer, but that clearly didn't matter to her because she smiled wider that I'd ever seen and fell into my arms laughing happily. She whispered yes, I pulled her to the floor and kissed her, and we burned the pancakes.

* * *

><p>AN: This was a very difficult chapter to construct so I'm sorry it took so long. It honestly took me forever to decide how Ed was going to do this, because it's not like him to make grand, romantic gestures and he's not very good at it (as we've seen at the end of FAMB). He's a man's man in every sense of the term, so I couldn't write him being all flowers and candles and sonnets when he's such a direct and serious person. I really hope you all liked it, and thank you all so much for reading a reviewing. Your reviews are always the best part of my day. Epilogue is coming very soon.


	13. Epilogue

I have a paperback heart

dog-eared and creased

by the world,

the colors are faded

and the spine is worn

but I'm glad to see

it's finally in

good hands.

-unknown

* * *

><p>"Good God woman, what the hell is blinding me over here?!" Garfiel exclaimed over brunch as he picked up my left hand for closer inspection. When he and Rebecca asked how I was doing over mimosas and eggs benedict, I had told them that I was feeling much better and things with Ed were fantastic. I hadn't yet mentioned that we were engaged. Their mouths dropped open in shock as they gazed at the 4 carat square cut canary diamond perched on a band of white gold, and I beamed happily and blushed. It had been a week, but it still didn't feel real.<p>

"Christ, did he give you the Hope Diamond?" Rebecca laughed. "It's gorgeous. But is it…?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "It is. We're getting married."

They both shrieked comically, earning stares from the brunchers around us and Garfiel instantly leapt from his seat exclaiming, "Bartender, I'm gonna need more mimosa's over here. The hottest piece of man on the planet is officially off the market which means I'm 'bout to get knee-walkin' drunk."

"Its 10am!" I giggled to Rebecca as Garfiel bee-lined for the bar.

"It doesn't matter." She responded with a grin as she gazed at my ring. "Garfiel's always had a big gay crush on Ed, always fantasized that he'd miraculously switch teams over night."

He returned to our high top a moment later with more drinks and slid back into his chair. "Baby I'm so happy for you. That man is luckier than a mouse in a cheese shop to have you. Where is he anyway?" He said, motioning to the empty chair beside me. As if on cue I heard a smooth voice from the front of the bar telling the likely awestruck seating hostess that his friends were already here. A moment later he was there, receiving congratulatory hugs from Garfiel and Rebecca before turning to me.

"Hey." He said as he pecked me on the cheek and slid into the chair next to me. "Sorry I'm late. Had to stop at Internal Affairs and touch bases with Hughes. This court-marshaling is about to get ugly, Lust is trying to deny she did anything wrong." We all rolled our collective eyes as Ed snagged a bite of potato off my plate. I scooted it closer for him to finish my food and tried not to think to much about Lust and how she nearly ruined my relationship and almost got myself and my fiancee killed. Ed must've noticed me become suddenly rigid because he took my hand on the table and slid his thumb over my knuckles as more food showed up.

"Oh thank God," Said Garfiel as he took his second helping of eggs benedict. "Excuse me while I make myself a food baby."

* * *

><p>"Roy and Riza want us at their place tonight for dinner." Ed said as we left Lillie's Irish Victorian Bar and stepped out onto 17th st. "They're serving steak so I'm going with or without you." I smiled and nodded as he took my hand and we made our way towards Union Square. Garfiel and Rebecca had left earlier to head out for a spa day, which I was secretly thankful for because with all the court-marshaling craziness going on, I hadn't had time to talk to Ed about the wedding. The sun was shining brilliantly as we strolled through the open market, and I thought back to the way my life used to be, how fearful I was of ever leaving the house and how Ed had to practically drag me here kicking and screaming. I was so thankful he did. I stopped at a booth to run my fingers over the amethyst bundles of fresh lavender and breathe in the calming scent before looking up at Edward.<p>

"What about the spring?" I asked as I hooked my arm with his and we kept walking.

"What about it?"

"For the wedding?" I said. He paused mid-stride and turned to me with a contemplative look on his face.

"That all depends. Where do you want to get married?"

"Here of course. If that's okay with you."

"Here?" He asked with raised brows. "We could go anywhere. Seriously. Are you sure you don't wanna go to St. Martin? Luxembourg? How about a castle in Ireland? Spend my money Winry." I smiled and shook my head.

"You've already spent enough on me." I said, wagging my ring finger for emphasis. I may not be a jeweler, but the ring box said Cartier and I was no fool. The ring must've been equal to a down payment on Manhattan real estate.

"Babe, I give two-thirds of my income to charity because I just don't need that much money. Nobody does. Give me a reason to actually spend some cash." He said, lacing fingers with mine.

"Um, your rent is how much?" I asked, attempting to prove my point that he was already spending enough and I didn't care about having a big expensive wedding.

"$4200."

"And how much was your car?"

"A lot. My car was a lot." He said coyly, dancing around the fact that he drove an Aston Martin.

"Exactly. I don't mind seeing you spoil yourself because you work your ass off for it, but don't feel like you should be spoiling me." I reasoned. "The ring is beyond beautiful and I love it, please don't feel like you need to spend a ton on the wedding after what you spent on the ring."

He gave a casual, non-committal shrug as he picked up a candle off a vendor's table to give it a sniff and mumbled, "65k isn't that much-"

"-You spent what? 65 WHAT?" I balked with a punch to his shoulder in shock that instantly resulted in my pained yelp as I shook out my hand and held my fingers. I'd forgotten his shoulder was metal. He laughed and took my injured hand between his own and gently massaged it as he said,

"Winry, I know you don't care about money. I don't care about it either, believe me. But don't think I'm about to go destitute by getting you that ring and throwing us the wedding of the century …if that's what you want." I honestly didn't care about having a massive wedding, but I knew Ed was far more grandiose than I and I knew there would be an awful lot of military personnel clamoring to see the 'untamable wolf' get hitched. He wouldn't be presenting big options if he wanted a small event.

"Well… I still wanna get married here." I said. "We met here. New York gave you a new life, and you gave me a new life in turn. This is our home." He slung an arm around my shoulders and nodded as we continued downtown.

"Okay," He agreed. "We'll do it here. But on one condition. I get to pay for your dress, no matter the cost."

"I'm not getting a dress." I said, turning to him. "Why spend all that money on something I'll wear one time, when I already have a perfectly good dress?" He sent me a look of confusion.

"What dress?"

"My little white one. The one you like."

He stared back at me blankly before a sly grin crept over his features. "You can NOT get married in that thing."

"Why not?" I asked, slightly offended. He pulled me flush against him, smoothing his hands across my back and pouring his eyes over me.

"Because thats a very dirty little dress, and it makes me want to do very dirty little things to you." He murmured. My face flushed and he grinned wickedly again. "But then again…"

He leaned close and pressed his lips to mine before hovering just near my ear and whispering, "Maybe you'll convince me. Put it on. …Wear me down."

Well, okay then.

* * *

><p>"Relax your shoulders." He said behind me, placing a warm hand on my hip. "Whenever you're ready." I lined up my shot and fired off another round into my target. A moment later I pushed the button on the wall and my sheet crossed the room towards us for Ed to pluck from its clip on the line.<p>

"You're either not listening, or not concentrating. Maybe both." He said, examining the holes. "You hit your target three times, but you're still missing the areas I told you to focus on."

I pulled the plugs from my ears to hang over my shoulders and snatched the paper target from him.

"What're you talking about? These are great shots Ed."

"They're shots in the head and chest. That's not where I told you to shoot. I want you aiming for smaller spots. Hit his elbow. Hit his ear." He said.

"You're right, threatening to shoot my attacker's earring off is definitely the way to go." I said with a dramatic eye roll. He clearly didn't like my cavalier attitude because he grabbed me by the chin to look back at him and glared at me.

"YOU KEEP KILLING YOUR TARGET."

Edward had given me explicit instructions over the time I'd been training with Riza to not make kill shots. He already wasn't thrilled with me gun-training in the first place, but he was a realist and understood that I would need to become practiced with a fire arm if I ever hoped to keep up with him and stay safe from his enemies.

"So you hit him in the face. Whoop-de-fucking-do. That's not what I told you to do, Winry! Bring your attacker down by hitting non-vital spots. Shoot the hands, the feet, the shoulders. Shoot him in the ass for fuck's sake I don't care, but DO NOT KILL HIM!"

I swatted his hand away and yelled back, "I've got half a mind to lodge a bullet in YOUR ass Ed!" I set down my gun and moved to storm past him when he caught my elbow.

"I'm sorry." He said. I shot him a dangerous look over my shoulder.

"You need to chill out. I'm still learning you know."

"You aren't a novice anymore." He said as I turned back to him with folded arms and heaps of attitude. "You know your way around a firearm now, and it's an immense responsibility. I'm begging you to take me seriously here."

"Of course I take this seriously!" I defended. "It's a gun!"

"It's a weapon that kills people. I don't want you killing people. I don't want your hands stained," He said, suddenly becoming somber as his gaze fell. "I don't want you dealing with the shit I deal with. You should never know what it's like to take a life. How horrible it actually is."

He had me there. Ed's life was still a complicated mess in spite of the normalcy we were trying so hard to cultivate together. He had dramatically reduced the number of missions he was sent on, but the trouble with that was when he was called in to take care of the targets others couldn't handle, it was never an easy mission and it always forced stress and nightmares to come home with him.

"Ed, I pray that I'll never ever have to use any of these skills, but until I do I have no way of knowing how I'll react in a situation. Sure I'd like to believe I'd remind calm and level-headed and take nice clean shots to the knees like a good girl, but if I had to guess I'd probably just start shooting wildly, screaming my head off, or calling you pretending to order pizza like the last time I had to deal with someone on my own." This brought a small, wrought smile to his face.

"Obviously I want you to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself; your safety is the only thing I care about. But if you can become comfortable with picking off smaller, non life-threatening spots on an enemy I'd feel a lot better. Remember, the enemy may not always be looking to kill you. The enemy might be asking for your phone number so when that happens I want you to shoot him in the foot."

I smiled and shook my head as he gathered me in his arms.

"Ready to try again?" He asked. I nodded, and broke our embrace to replace my earplugs and move into position. I felt him behind me with his hands on my shoulders to relax me and my back skimming over his hard body. I raised my gun toward the new target poised at the back of the room as his voice filled my ear again.

"Relax your shoulders. Focus. Squeeze the trigger, don't pull."

I hit the elbow, the ear, and the groin. Just to send a message.

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you all for giving your time and attention to this story, as well as my others. The outpouring of kindness I've gotten from readers on this site is nothing short of mind-blowing and I couldn't be more grateful. Thank you all for your supportive comments about this AU I've created, everytime I start to wonder if people are becoming bored with it or if it's become too self-indulgent and should I continue, some wonderful soul pops up and tells me they hope I keep going. What a beautiful thing to hear. I am currently brainstorming smaller one-shots for Illuminate, to detail more of Ed's POV during Perfect Blood, as well as his teenage years in the Academy. I hope to write several of them before uploading instead of writing each chapter as I go, so that next time I'll be able to update more frequently. It's the least I can do for all the lovely people who've taken time to read, review, and even go as far as to write glowing recommendations of Perfect Blood on other websites. Thank you all, be back soon.

-C.


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